Secrets of the City

I’m going to spend the weekend stealing yellow pages directories off of people’s porches and putting them into heaps and piles for an installation at The Walker. The name of the exhibit is “Bachmann’s America.”

Second! Suck it Ms. Sparber!

Who wrote that? Many of the PiPress scibes have pulled their names off their stories today in protest of cuts at the newspaper.

scribes, rather. Is it too late to pull my name off that last comment?

Why couldn’t I have gotten one of these doctors?

I’m a week out of the emergency room and I didn’t even bother taking the doctor up on pain pills because I know he won’t be doling out anything better than vicodin, not that percocets help a whole bunch either.

Oh, man, am I bored. Entertain me, website!

Some intersting things in the news today. Franken on the Farm, Tinks’ all in in the 6th, and giant red squid with a mean streak!

Minnesota Unemployment Rate is 8.4 percent.

More on the “byline strike.”

So, Rat, does that mean Minnesota’s Employment Rate is 91.6 percent?

Spoken like a PR man.

Just read these survey results revealing that Minneapolis is a city of “Courageous Drivers.” 

Complimetary headline, but the lede reveals a dumb-dumb aspect of Mpls drivers.

Sorry, it’s “Courageous Commuters.”

Actually, I am well aware the the real rate of unemployment is actually much higher than the official state figures show, and that many people are “underemployed” in part-time positions with few if any benefits.

My wife is currently out of work, so it is more than just a statistic in our household.

Here’s a little essay from Leo Kotke

“We live on the edge of town with a big front yard. I get up in the morning about noon and make my way through the dogshit to the mailbox to get the mail.

” I often pause to think at this point, but then, the dog is emblematic of civilization and, without civilization, we could be riding on horses without umbrellas and spending our lives waiting to skewer badgers on sticks.

“With civilization we bring actual animals with voices like saxophones right into our homes where they defecate at will. And then we blame the animal for being so dumb.

“At Christmastime, trees, as well as living animals, are brought into the house. Little silver balls are hung from the tree. And food. Popcorn, cranberries and candy canes rotting in the forced-air heat.

“But what can compare to seeing that first sled under your tree in Oklahoma, where it hasn’t snowed for the last eight years.

“Actually, my sled was not under the rotting Christmas tree but, for some odd reason, hidden in the kitchen stove with its rear end protruding from the oven door. “Go in and get it, Leo!” my parents said, delighted with that wide-eyed look their kids always got at Christmastime.

” But often times, standing at the mailbox, none of these musings will soothe, and, in a bathrobe at noon, with my right hand deep in a mailbox and left foot buried in turd, I succumb to despair.” — 1979

Sigh. It’s a dreary day in the TC, huh Rat? I can see I’m going to have to double down in my efforts to cheer you people up.

Who did I offend and why did they put out a hit on me with my own damn dog?

This morning after stepping out the shower I realized that my dog was chewing on both my cell phone and my wallet.

He single handedly knocked out my means of communication and any way of aquiring sustenance all in one fail swoop…in less than five minutes. If I had taken just a little longer to shave or something…who knows what he would have gone after.

I am a little worried to go home tonight.

I like Leo’s guitar playing, but based on that sample, don’t see myself buying a book of his writing.

It’s Liner Notes on one of his albums. So, in that way, you get both music and commentary.

We have a dog theme going today. We try to keep our back yard picked up (so to speak) as the action occurs, but we always have to be wary of a “stealth.”

My wife and I saw Leo Kotke at a club in Fort Lauderdale, when we were living in Miami. It was a odd place to see him.

It was one of those places where you end up seated with people you don’t know. Another couple was seated with us and the husband saw Leo as a fine example of “Minnesota Humor.”

“There’s really such a thing,” he said,

I guess it works as liner notes. I just can’t imagine reading a whole book of disjointed memoir. It’s like Todd Snider. I think he’s hilarious, but 200-pages straight of his rambling would probably put me over the edge.

BTW, FTR, and FYI: KoTTke.

We don’t have a dog to theme about, but we do have five cats. Three of them have Facebook accounts. The other two have blogs.

My wife and I are probably on some social worker’s watch list.

I declare this a poop thread!

kc! just reported that our dog Jeff now weighed in at 114 lbs! Ridiculous.

Chuck’s cats, Princess Kiko and Mr. Mooki have a Twitter accounts.

Our dog doesen’t even have a MySpace page.

I did step in fresh dog doo yesterday. Yuck!

Well, Kurtis, the arc of any one person’s life is hardly ever solid and substantial like one that hangs over St. Louis. Periods in peoples lives end up divided in a series of vague, unrelated events. Maybe that’s the way Kottke’s past is constructed.

My cat doesn’t have a facebook page or anything, but I manage to slip in a photo of him when I create online albums after events. And he’s on YouTube, of course. Isn’t that one of the steps when you first sign up on YouTube?

haha u guys are hilarious! makes working in a cubilce bearable..

haha u guys are hilarious.. makes working in a cubicle bearable!

Rat, I made a statement about my reading preferences. People can write whatever and however they want.

115 freakin pounds, my dog is 65 and it hurts like hell when he steps in my “lap”

How much food does a 115lb dog eat in a day?

I think I saw that photo hanging up at the Walker, entitled “Bachmann’s America.”

now would that color be considered bluebird, sky or robins egg?

rynaol, your question reminded me of this classic scene from “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream Home.”

We give him 4 cups of food every day, but the problem is that he’s got kc! trained to give him treats. I don’t know how many he gets every day.

Anyone ever see that movie “Masked and Anonymous.” Bob Dylan, John Goodman, Jessica Lnnge, bunch of others?

Mickey Rourke was President of the United States.

The exterior scenes had the U.S. looking like South American cities. Crumbling streets. Corrugated metal everywhere.

I was thinking about that, today.

The woman on the corner has 3 greyhounds. (Perhaps it is now 2, I’m not sure.) In any event, she has 2 or 3 largish dogs who use one smallish yard. I’m sure the ground is very fertile there…

I call it Bluemington.

@Jane

I’d never make Jonathan a facebook page. The last thing anyone wants to hear about is daily posts on his upcoming events.

“Today! Come enjoy the destruction of an extension cord!”

“Wednesday! Join me as I seek out any headphones that were left unattended and then destroy them!”

“Subscribe to my RSS feed of items in my household I plan on destroying as soon as I get the chance.”

It’ll only encourage him. And he’d probabl post pictures. Plus, he’d create a group for other people’s cats who do similar things.

I’m hearing a lotta sirens this morning.

@cjc Oh, that Jeff!

alright so my dog eats 3 cups of food a day it’s not that much more.

I like it, my house is a dull beigish tan house like everyone elses.

I think with all the new vinyl siding our block looks like a gigantic tuperware set.

@Rat… yup I got pulled over this morning for not wearing my seatbelt. Dang cops!

“yup I got pulled over this morning for not wearing my seatbelt”

fascists

“Plus, he’d create a group for other people’s cats who do similar things.”

Bixby, our cat already did it:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Chomping-Wires/99943488582?ref=mf

I’m sure he’d love to have Jonathan on board!

We can’t let THIS STORY go without comment.

“Johann Scott Scrimshire”

That name doesn’t seem real.

Not as real as “The Rat”

why is that fascist? do honor me with your explaination.

After reading this and professing our love for fish tacos, a coworker and I got int a discussion about the best places in town to get them. Where have you had good fish tacos?

I wonder if Johann Scott Scrimshire is related to John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt?

He is a partner at Scrimshire, Martineau, Gonko & Vavreck.

No, really!

Obviously enforcing driving safety involves a lot of the same principals as fascism. Corporate control of the economy, ultranationalism, a central dictatorship; those sorts of things.

I’m no fish taco expert, bix, but I like the Baja Sol fish tacos. Free chips and salsa.

ah i see what your saying. yes definetly. Ha i was about 2 seconds away from work, literally, and after giving me my ticket, the officer askes, now, do u no where you are and where youre going? i snickered.

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt? His name is my name too!

His past, laid bare: Scrimshire’s bio.

Rat, it is a kinda funny name, but it would not make my list of funny names. Maybe in the early days, but now I have higher standards. Names such as:

Nimrod Whitehead
Ralph Danglemaier
Brigadier Gen. Jeffrey J. Dorko
King Money Tarzan Jenkins
Dr. Happy Craven Fernandez
Lord Marmaduke Hussey
Chew Shit Fun

i snickered.

Yeah. Cops just love it when people do that.

and then the officer proceeds to tell me, when ever i go out, the people always shout, there goes john jacob jingleheimerschimdt!! haha lol

@justpb

Yeah, I enjoyed Baja’s Facist GOP tacos several times per week when I worked at my old job.

Also, could you dm or email me your email address?

Scrimshire, Martineau, Gonko & Vavreck

When they’re not practicing law, they’re a troupe of trapeze artists.

I haven’t had their fish tacos but think its laughable that people go their cause they have free chips and salsa bar. Don’t every mexican joint that doesn’t start with chip and end otle have free chips.

@jane
honorable jeffrey p. doodleschmidt.

silly. not while he was standing there. afterwards. altho i have accidently laughed when an officer came to my window.. lets just say the results were not good.

@Jane:

When I lived in the south I ran across a name of a gynecologist named Dr. Slappy.

Juan jacob jingleheimerschmidt es nombre me nobre too

Well, what about a pelvic exam isn’t a barrel of laughs? He probably legally changed his name to that to attract more patients.

What about Wisconsin (naturally) race driver Dick Trickle?

I thought Seymore Butts was a GYN….

question: do u all know eachother personally? or just on here?

Rat: excellent! I confirmed via google, and found his name is Dr. Donald F. Slappy.

The “F” is for Flappy*.

*not really

@shopgrl

It’s a mixture of the two. A lot of people on here know each other in real life but many have never met.

Some of us have met, most haven’t met. You make smart remarks in the same place for a while, you get to be buddies.

@jane

The F is obvs for “Feelin”

Re: Scrimshire. His firm takes sexual harassment cases, and he, the leading partner, was arrested for indecent exposure. D’oh!

Re: fish tacos. Tin Fish at Lake Calhoun. You get plenty for your money, and it tastes pretty good. (I like Sea Salt better, but Tin Fish def. gives you more in terms of quantity.)

haha oh i absolutely love all the smart remarks. I’ll be sitting here in my cubicle when its really quiet and suddenly chuckle really loud. the ppl here must think im nuts lol.

Shopgrl: we are all pretty nice when we meet in person. Even me.

We get together from time to time.

F is for: Get the instruments out of the Freezer, nurse.

Just kidding;

Dr. Slappy, he’s such a card.

@Jerad I’m unfamiliar with that place. Where exactly is it located? I would like to try it!

Sometimes names are funny in conjunction with another name. I read a lot of press releases and each pair was in the same article/press release.

Kerby Ham & Marc Hamburg
Matt Borer & Brett Sandercock
Rob Wilfarht & Matt Lube

Salsa a la Salsa on Nicollet just west of downtown (1400 block I think) = great fish tacos, great everything.

I think this arbitrary poking of fun at people just because of their individual surnames is quite ridiculous.

Bob, no one knows if you’re nice in person being as you tend to show up at any event venue two hours before anyone else can get there and then leave an hour after that.

@justpbob: even me.. haha love it.
@jane where do u read all these strange names? u could make it ur hobby.. just learning funny odd names!lol

I should mention I have a lot more names that are related to hilarious body parts but I’ll keep my immaturity level private, thank you.

But many are similar in tone to the WI racecar driver DouglasG mentions above.

I have to go work now.

I had a customer call named Ray Romano…you know how hard it was not to make a wisecrack or ask him about it?

Just got tank goodness cookies delivered to the office…all is well

that makes me want sprinkled cupcakes.

@shopgirl I read a LOT of press releases. Well, I skim them, and funny names have a way of jumping out. When unsure of the funniness, I run them past a core group of people who are familiar with my list; their instant reaction is important. These same people also send me funny names for submission to the list. They all are verifiably real names, except for Chauncy Peppertooth, which was a pseudonym I saw in The Rake once.

I have a friend whose real name is Holly Wood. One time she was wondering about being interviewed for something on public radio because last time she was on the kept poking fun at her name.

Bob, no one knows if you’re nice in person being as you tend to show up at any event venue two hours before anyone else can get there and then leave an hour after that.

Tru dat!

Bob, you are great at securing a good table! Keep up the good work.

Through a mutual friend, I met a guy named Rock Hudson, once.

It was before the actor died of AIDS.

I wonder how the not-famous Rock fared through all that.

Wedding announcements with funny name combinations are an American tradition. (Except for the UK, who else prints wedding announcements in the newspaper?)

@bixby: The one building that’s along Lake Calhoun, right by the dock where people rent paddleboats, canoes, and those standing surfboards-with-paddles? It’s there.

Maybe you’ll recognize the promotional pic.

I actually didn’t know until I Googled it just now that it was part of a national chain.

For the record, it was cjc who bought the dog 100 rawhide sticks that last time he got food, not me.

Stop sending him to Costco or Sam’s Club. Us men just can’t resist buying bargains in bulk.

Little bro is in town today from overseas with the family. Am planning to hit the History Center this afternoon and then the Titanic exhibit at the Science Museum.

Btw, I spotted another Border Taco truck yesterday. This one was parked near Payne and Maryland. Probably out of the way for most MNSpeakers but I just thought I’d let you know for those keeping score at home.

Yeah, I bought two years’ worth of rawhide sticks for the dog.

Wondering what to do for lunch today. Problem solved. Taco truck, here I come!

Two years, is your lab not a chewer?

my dog can easily go through those little twisty things in like 20 minutes, the big 6-8″ numbers with the knots on teh ends take more like 45 minutes to an hour.

The ones that are groundup rawhide those are basically like milkbones to him and he eats maybe two-three of those a day as treats.

kc and cjc, are you guys going to become the first romantic relationship to end because of/on MNSpeak? If so, can you hold on a minute. I want to go get some snacks and drinks before I settle in to watch this go down.

BTW 105 comments by 10:38am…totally respectable open thread.

Oh yes, Jeff’s a chewer. A fat, 114 lb chewer. In his defense, he’s got the appetite of a lab and half the genetic makeup of a Rottweiler.

@kc & cjc

I’m on Team Jeff, so… I think that he was bulking up in order to look scarier to people in your neighborhood who would consider opening up illegitimate furniture stores or partaking in any questionable activities. I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have dropped off those steaks he asked for when you guys weren’t home but he said he really needed them so…

Speaking of unfortunate names and AIDS… Don’t forget this unfortunately named product: Ayds

Bix, both of them will help you lose weight.

My dog is half lab and half doberman, unfortunately for my stuff his rear molars are essentially bolt cutters. Any one have a bike locked up that they need removed?

I try to keep things out of the “cutters” but one time for fun I held a 1″ diameter anchor rope and he chewed through it in under a minute.

I guess I am probably part of the problem.

@jane: ah i see.. well i find them alomost unbearably funny!! haha

Is that cameltoe or just unfortunate wardrobe malfunction on the pic of beyonce on the star tribune’s frontpage?

enquiring minds in my office want to know.

i think from i can tell, its a SERIOUS wardrobe malfunction.

@ryanol: Dood. Cameltoes are always unfortunate.

@shopgrl: Don’t let these people fool you. They’re crazy. Ok, I’ve only met a few in person, but I have to say that DouglasG is my OMOIPBF – Only met once in person best friend.

Oh, and Bixby’s cat is trying to kill her, but she’s in denial about it. It would be helpful if you could help us convince her of this.

That dress was less than flattering for her nether regions…

Not that I would look at her nether regions mind you. It is just what I have heard. Yeah that’s it.

thats a dress?

haha thanks Cat, i’ll keep all that in mind. Bixby, i’m deeply sorry ur cats trying to kill u..

don’t get me wrong its not like shes wearing sweats sportin mooseknuckle but that is not the most flattering pic for the paper.

that pic just made me cringe and look away, embarrassed. Why do stars always wear what their dressers tell them to, even if its hideous??

@Kurtis

I just took a look at that facebook group for cats who chomp on wires. Even if Jonathan managed to actually set up a facebook account on my computer (as opposed to destroying the power cord), I still wouldn’t tell him about that group. I’ll bet you support people setting up groups like “I like to burgle” and “Mugging’s not a crime, it’s a sport”. Not cool, man.

I guess it is more of a leotard. In my world dress=anything not pants related.

bixby, whats ur cats name?

We start with dog poop and end with Beyonce’s nether regions.

Yep, a nearly perfect Open Tread!

I meant Thread — don’t Needle me!

@shopgirl

Jonathan

oooh… yeah, evil name for a cat. What kind?

Years ago, some friends came up with the term “W” to describe cameltoe/moose knuckle. That way you can be in public and alert your friend to the spectacle, but without anyone else knowing what you are talking about.

My friends came up with a word to indicate when a party was lame and it was time to go. “Penguin.” Start talking about them and we knew we had 10 minutes left to collect #s before heading to the next event.

@shopgirl

I don’t know what kind of cat he is, here’s his picture

If you meet him, he’s a very nice cat and cuddly. He’s just kind of a jerk if he doesn’t get his Special Kitty cat treats.

Also, we didn’t name him Jonathan, he was a used cat. We got him many years ago from a family who let their 12-year-old daughter name him Jonathan Taylor Thomas. We refused to call him that but he was already three and used to his name, so we just changed his name to Jonathan.

@jerad: to collect numbers? is this a frequent thing? i only collect a number if i really liked that person..

In tribute to Johann Scott Scrimshire, who also likes to bicycle bare:

Jonathan looks not unlike my Torii. Especially that supercilious look.

You and your typos Bob. That “bicycle bear” not “bicycle bare.” Sheesh!

Funny married couple name: Church-Camp. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh wait…

sheesh.. bixby, ur cat looks pissed, did u forget to give him his special kitty treats?

@KC: I was just telling my cousin (who did not change her name when she married) about your potential hyphenation. She would have been a Gogerty-Snodgrass.

oooh… yeah, evil name for a cat. What kind?

hahahahahahaha!

My Kitty is named Thomas but he is named after Thomas O’Malley the alley cat in Aristocats. The puppy is named Remus after one of the brothers who founded Rome.

Oh and they poop in the same box.

Your puppy poops in a box, what kind of dog is this?

Kc! that reminds me of the sub-category of ridiculously hyphened names.

Mitchell-Witchell
Touchi-Peters
Loving-Layfield
Damchik-Dykes
Munton Baker-Munton (founder of Munton Malting)
Anderson-Johnson (this kind of makes sense–at least this way it isn’t such a common surname)
Dr. Marva Moxie-Mims

He is an italian greyhound.

What kind of a dog is this…

ahaha love it ryanol. clearly, he has a special bred one, i mean most dog never do this sort of thing.

ciao me amigos.. im outta here!

good lookin puppy ya got there…does that sweater have a collar?

@shopgirl: as boys, I think we operated with a different agenda.

@Dougie_D

I normally disapprove of pets in clothing but that is a very tasteful ensemble your dog is wearing. I like how the white in the sweater matches his white paws and the blue of the sweater matches its collar.

Although, I have to admit that I’m more of a whippet person. I was obsessed with getting one in Middle School. Nothing against greyhounds though.

Yes it does have a white collar with a velcro placket. He doesn’t wear it often but when it gets below 65 or so he starts to shiver.

In the winter he won’t go outside for a few months, that was the idea behind litter box training.

Looking at the photo of Mr. B on my desk right now. Good boy! Yesss you arre! Sit! (biscuit) Good boy!

my neighbors growing up had two salukies…those things tore up their yard something fierce. They would just run the perimeter of the fence constantly when let outside.

Now going national: Duluth police are looking for a dude who gets his rocks off by slashing large inflatable balls.

As far as fetishes go, what it lacks in ick it more than makes up for with originality.

http://news.google.com/news/more?um=1&ned=us&cf=all&ncl=d0lkNORhQxaICEMasEo8o4fIe7tQM

is salsa a la salsa ‘kid friendly’? got some friends from out of town who want mexican 2nite. they’re staying downtown, i don’t want to drag them out to the burbs. any other mexican suggestions? quick!

I’d say it’s kid friendly. An even kid friendlier family style place is the one on 40th and Lake, love it, can’t remember the name. Don’t recall if they have fish tacos. There’s another great Mexican place on East Lake and about 30th.

thx kurtis. they couldn’t accomodate our party of 7 so we went to adelita’s on central/24th in NE instead. decent atmosphere, good food.