Secrets of the City

who is the third party?

As a fellow slanderer, I refuse to rat out the Slanderous One.

As a fellow slanderer, I refuse to rat out the Slanderous One.

On behalf of a fourth party I am searching for the third party who is searching for the author of the Slanderous Minneapolis Blog.

This is such a “missed Connection.”

Me: Curious, attractive, gossipmonger.
You: Snarky, mysterious, gossip-spewer.

We last saw each other in October 2005. You were sporting a shiny award from a local alt-weekly. I was sporting a “Prairie Ho’ Companion” T-shirt. Let’s get together. You can spread your… slander.

Driftwood (struggling to read the fine print): I can read but I can’t see it. I don’t seem to have it in focus here. If my arms were a little longer, I could read it. You haven’t got a baboon in your pocket, have ya? Here, here, here we are. Now I’ve got it. Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it’s most important. It says the, uh, “The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part.” How do you like that? That’s pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, it’s no good.
Driftwood: What’s the matter with it?
Fiorello: I don’t know. Let’s hear it again.
Driftwood: It says the, uh, “The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part.”
Fiorello: (pausing) That sounds a little better this time.
Driftwood: Well, it grows on ya. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Uh, just the first part.
Driftwood: What do you mean? The party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Driftwood: All right. It says the, uh, “The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract” – look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We’ll take it right out, eh?
Fiorello: Yeah, it’s a too long, anyhow. (They both tear off the tops of their contracts.) Now, what do we got left?
Driftwood: Well, I got about a foot and a half. Now, it says, uh, “The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part.”
Fiorello: Well, I don’t know about that…
Driftwood: Now what’s the matter?
Fiorello: I no like-a the second party, either.
Driftwood: Well, you should’ve come to the first party. We didn’t get home ’til around four in the morning… I was blind for three days!
Fiorello: Hey, look, why can’ta the first part of the second party be the second part of the first party? Then a you gotta something.
Driftwood: Well, look, uh, rather than go through all that again, what do you say?
Fiorello: Fine. (They rip out a portion of the contract.)
Driftwood: Now, uh, now I’ve got something you’re bound to like. You’ll be crazy about it.
Fiorello: No, I don’t like it.
Driftwood: You don’t like what?
Fiorello: Whatever it is. I don’t like it.
Driftwood: Well, don’t let’s break up an old friendship over a thing like that. Ready?…
Fiorello: OK! (Another part is torn off.) Now the next part, I don’t think you’re gonna like.
Driftwood: Well, your word’s good enough for me. (They rip out another part.) Now then, is my word good enough for you?
Fiorello: I should say not.
Driftwood: Well, that takes out two more clauses. (They rip out two more parts.) Now, “The party of the eighth part…”
Fiorello: No, that’sa no good. (more ripping.) No.
Driftwood: “The party of the ninth part…”
Fiorello: No, that’sa no good, too. (they rip the contracts again until there’s practically nothing left.) Hey, how is it my contract is skinnier than yours?
Driftwood: Well, I don’t know. You must’ve been out on a tear last night. But anyhow we’re all set now, aren’t we?
Fiorello: Oh sure.
Driftwood (offering his pen to sign the contract): Now just, uh, just you put your name right down there and then the deal is, uh, legal.
Fiorello: I forgot to tell you. I can’t write.
Driftwood: Well, that’s all right, there’s no ink in the pen anyhow. But listen, it’s a contract, isn’t it?
Fiorello: Oh sure.
Driftwood: We got a contract…
Fiorello: You bet.
Driftwood: No matter how small it is…
Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here? This thing here.
Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that’s the usual clause. That’s in every contract. That just says uh, it says uh, “If any of the parties participating in this contract is shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.”
Fiorello: Well, I don’t know…
Driftwood: It’s all right, that’s, that’s in every contract. That’s, that’s what they call a ’sanity clause’.
Fiorello: Ha ha ha ha ha! You can’t fool me! There ain’t no Sanity Clause!

I can’t name the thrid party as that is part of the legal issues being put toward me.
Let’s just say I may be entering Rex/Keillor territory for a post I wrote a year ago.
So, if you know Slanderous, let him/her know I need to talk.

As I was unavailable to attend the first two parties, I hope to be at the third party. Should I bring chips or something?

“Rex/Keillor” sounds like a good character name….

As dawn pained the empty streets outside his NE Minneapolis home, Rex Keillor looked at the half-finished blog post flickering on a sliver laptop. “Not bad, consdering how drunk I was last night,” he thought as he saved the draft. His thoughts now turned to coffee. “I wonder if I got any Dunn Bros left?

You’ll laugh your @#$ off!

Is Slanderous Minneapolis being sued for lameness??

I think a resurgence is long overdue.

This is the author of Slanderous Minneapolis. Give me your e-mail, Ironic, and I will get into contact with you.