Secrets of the City

I’m a sucker for the Steven Wright-ish ones, such as “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

Mitch to NASCAR driver: Man, you must really like Tide.

When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

When you’re a comedian, you need to start strong & end strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes – all exciting at first, but by the end you’re f**ing sick of ‘em.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

“Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy … all damn day! In fact, if you wear a backpack and a turtle-neck, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down!”

“I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semicircle.”

“I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

“At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said ‘Certainly.’ He said, ‘Do I need to dial 9?’ I say ‘Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back-to-back real quick.’”

“When someone hands you a flier, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here, you throw this away.’”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kebobs.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.”

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I need to dial 9?” I say “Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”

A friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but in an hour, I’ll want a regular banana. So, yeah.”

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fucking relentless.

I bought a doughnut the other day and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a receipt. I said, “Let us not bring ink and paper into this. I give you the money, you give me the doughnut, end of transaction.” The only reason I would need a receipt is if I had some skeptical friend who did not believe I had paid for the doughnut. “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I’ve got the documentation right here. It’s in my file at home. Under D. For Doughnut.”

Someone handed me a picture and said, “This is a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” Where’d you get that camera man?

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I never went to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests in restaurants because the customer is always right.

Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s, like, the only disease you can get yelled at for havin’. Damnit, Otto! You’re an alcoholic! Damnit, Otto, you have LUPUS!………. somethings wrong here.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want ‘em to. I’m like, Hey! Hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure he did not start to load sh** into a truck.

I love the escilator one. “Escitlators can never break down, they can only become stairs. Escilator temporarily stairs, sorry for the convienence.