Secrets of the City

That self-published book does seem atrocious, but I don’t quite see what the big deal is about the review, either. “The best review ever” and “I wet myself reading it” and “I think I love you,” etc. Making fun of a bad self-published book is shooting fish in a barrel, and I didn’t find anything especially LOL-worthy.

Bad thing: needing to attend a boring class while hungover and on four hours of sleep.

Bad Santa

How can you tell when fantasy fiction is bad?

Bad headline: the print version of this PiPress story had this headline “Fishers bemoan shop closing.”

Fishers?!?

It’s neutering the language, Bob. Havta do it these days. Diversity and all that.

Fishers are kinda cute.

Good News: Justacoolcat live blogs the birth of “his little apricot.”

How can you tell when fantasy fiction is bad?

I snickered at this, even though I think a couple of fantasy writers (Gaiman, Clarke) are sublime.

Re: Bad Parties: I’m so glad the blogosphere was not around when I was in college, or I would’ve been f*cked.

Bad Lord of the Rings homoerotic fan art (SFW).

Badly hidden late-night romance between DeRusha and Lileks! Twitter reveals all!

Hey, the play is by fifth graders. Talk about shooting fish in a barrel. (Remember this guy?)

Anyway, I think that we should use this conclusion for all future MNSpeak threads: (Sing Song and then bow)

Anyone know any locally owned stores that sell plus sized womens’ clothes?

Good News: Justacoolcat live blogs the birth of “his little apricot.”

I heard he named her brandi.

Quick somebody post a link to that kid in the clown sweater! Just becuase…

You mean Wil?

Oh ho! That’s the one!

How I love bad stuff! Best open thread ever!!

If this book is the most horrific thing the devil can come up, I think humanity is safe from the threat of hell.

Is this review trying to bait me on purpose? I totally have to read the novel now.

Damn. I wonder what the famous sweater would fetch on ebay?

It’s neutering the language, Bob. Havta do it these days. Diversity and all that.

Anglers is already gender-neutral. The diversity comment reminds me of a bad Ole & Lena joke:

Lena: Do they have diversity were you work, Ole? Ole: Sure dey do! In fact, de longer I verk there, diverse it gets!

@grote Hilarious.

If you wanna read some bad sci fi, here’s the most famous bad sci fi of all time. It’s legendary. It seriously might be the most famous novel that was never published.

Of course, nothing could probably compete with Harry Potter fan fiction for top-to-bottom awfulness, but it’s mostly by kids, and in a weird way I find it all touching (even the weird stuff.)

We cannot go into bad writing without a mention of Bulwer-Lytton

Not to mention there is a MNSpeak regular whose blog is full of bad Sci-Fi… Oh wait that’s my blog. Never mind!

Tears have swelled in my eyes after reading the opening paragraph. So bad! I love it.

I’m going to make a bunch of you jealous: I got coffee and doughnuts and Dunkin Donuts twice this week.

I would totally rule if I wasn’t back at work right now.

SHUT UP!

I totally had a dream that I was driving downtown and I saw a Dunkin Doughnuts in the IDS Tower!!!

Ha ha @ Doug.

As for doug(h)nuts, I have no need for Dunkin’ since I discovered the doug(h)nut shop on N. Central. The white puffy one is like biting into a wonderful cloud.

If this book was made into a movie, I would totally watch it. Actually, I’ve been thinking about starting a blog about bad movies on cable.

Wow, that was awful.

Aliecat! That’s a great idea! Start by watching Lifeforce. It has everything! It has zombies, space aliens, vampires…

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to eat buffalo wings before bedtime.

@kc!: I’ve heard of Plums Plus Size Consignment in NE (Stinson and about 37th, I think).. I’ve never been there, but friends have shopped there and gotten nice stuff.

My wife and I once watched From Justin to Kelly and actually quite enjoyed it because of it’s unmitigating suck. Another one of nearly incomprehensible awfulness, so bad you cannot look away, is this one, a movie with the amazing accomplishment of being bad even for a movie in which an animal plays sports. But bad movies that are so bad they are fun are rare. Mostly they’re just bad enough to be boring.

on the topic of bad writing, do you have to be crazy to finish Finnegan’s Wake? Because I thought I was crazy, but I can’t make a dent in that goddamned book.

Christin, oh, it’s totally on! All I have to do now is think of a title…”Bad Movies on Cable” seems a little blah, to me.

While reading the adjective laden prose and the other misbegotten scribblings of authors, I have bravely decided to color my MNSpeak comment with collard musings from my much bedraggled heart.

Camp movies are never boring but always bad. Behold Sleepaway Camp!

do you have to be crazy to finish Finnegan’s Wake?

I think Ulysses is brilliant, but I haven’t been able to do so much as dip a big toe into the icy froth of Finnegan’s Wake.

I have bravely decided to color my MNSpeak comment with collard musings from my much bedraggled heart.

A laudable commitment, my eloquent companion.

Couple of Bob’s fav bad (and real!) made-for-cable movie names:

Ski Lift To Death
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

I too have been in the crazed mood for movie fare of this commendatory ilk. Having recently watched Cat Woman where the lovely Halle Berry saves the perfunctory world from the evil cosmetic company (of doom) after being purposefully flushed down the high rises toiletry system.

I think a good title for a blog on bad movies would “The Quest for the Half Star” (referring to those half-star rated movies).

Aliecat: You could just steal Gilbert Goddfrey’s title: Up All Night

It’s gold, Jerry. Gold!

A bad movie blog involves too much time invested in watching them and then writing about them.

You turn into a couch potato. And for what?

For art, Rat.

Cristin: I offer: The Untilted Summer Camp Movie

A quick way to generate a short list of bad made-for-TV movies is to look at the IMDB pages for Valerie Bertinelli and Meredith Baxter Birney.

To begin my quest for the preverbial half star, I watched the 80’s-tastic extravaganza entitled non-New York relatedly The Apple.

Good News: Justacoolcat live blogs the birth of “his little apricot.”

I heard he named her brandi.

Oh g_rote, you so crazy!

Also, I contend that that 5th grade play is the best script about slavery since Roots. It might even be better than Roots because it lasts less then several hours over several days.

Here’s a good bad made-for-tv camp movie

kurtis, she was Mom on Family Ties, so she gets a pass.

My sister and brother in law have a great game. They look at the title of movies on Lifetime and try to guess the plot. It’s always some variation of kidnapped daughter or husband dying in war or someone being beaten and/or cheated on. Lots of nuance, though.

This looks like a fun event to go to

Search and Rescue Summit, 2008

I have only made it to midway through Ulysses before I tire of it and give up. However, I vow to read Ulysses in it’s entirety before I read any Harry Potter or the Kite Runner. If I didn’t, it just wouldn’t be right.

I have only made it to midway through Ulysses before I tire of it and give up. However, I vow to read Ulysses in it’s entirety before I read any Harry Potter or the Kite Runner. If I didn’t, it just wouldn’t be right.

Alie – would the blog only be about made-for-tv movies (Lifetime), or any bad movie on cable (USA)? If it’s the latter, I’d totally read it. And if you included listings for upcoming movies, it could be really huge. Because you never know when Road House is going to be on. It’s always a surprise. You’re just scanning through the channels and there it is. But you’ve already missed the part where Wade Garrett shows up out of nowhere and starts kicking ass. And that’s the best part.

alie, you could do a whole series on Chuck Norris.

Of course, you’d have to watch all eight of the Missing in Action movies consecutively in one sitting.

I am spontaneously reminded that the imitable Chuck Norris graces my queue of the NetFlix in his epic Lone Wolf McQuade. Huzzah!

I need a recommendation for some good summer fiction. I’ll be in LA and would like it to be LA specific. I’ve read and liked a lot of James Ellroy and Bukowski already…use those as guideposts, I suppose.

Ol Yeller’s last show is Saturday night at the Uptown.

Miller, it’ll totally be a surprise/channel surfing thing. AMC, USA, WGN, the old UPN channel and IFC are excellent channels for horribly bad movies.

Some blog titles:

“I Want Those 90 Minutes Back”
“Damn you, Cable!”
“Sucked In”

How about going old school, grote?

Alie, I vote for I Want Those 90 Minutes Back.

I’ll guest blog occasionally but only for Chuck Norris movies.

Speaking of bad movies, I feel the need to watch Point Break.

I am an Efffff Beeeee Eyeeeee Agent!

Sweet! I’m going to start it up this weekend.

P.S. AMC is lousy with Chuck Norris movies.

Comcast took away my AMCHD. Bastards. Right before second season of Mad Men!

kurtis…read Big Sleep and Long Goodbye…not sure about anything else on there. IIRC the new James Frey novel is set in LA, and got some pretty good, and even some great reviews.

My sister and brother in law have a great game. They look at the title of movies on Lifetime and try to guess the plot. It’s always some variation of kidnapped daughter or husband dying in war or someone being beaten and/or cheated on. Lots of nuance, though.

My mom and I play that game. Rape and teen pregnancy are also good bets.

Bix, next time they’re around I’ll throw one of those out.

I heard there’s a scandal in the offing… it turns out everything in James Frey’s novel is true!

Oh, I forgot to mention that my comedy thing on Wednesday went really well. I didn’t win that night but the judges said that I scored really high and will probably advance to the semi-finals, which would be nice.

first off….you take that statement back about Point Break….some of us are still waiting for the “thirty year storm”

secondly….any thread about bad things must discuss my boy Laterian Milton.

Congrats on the performance Bix. So did you kill? I mean, literally?

ryanl, it’s the 50 year storm, dude. Get out of your metal coffin you’re riding in and put the dvd in.

I always was more of a “North Shore” man

A bad movie blog involves too much time invested in watching them and then writing about them.

You turn into a couch potato. And for what?

Don’t judge me, Rat.

Anyone else wearing a Hawaiin shirt today?

Congrats on the performance Bix. So did you kill? I mean, literally?

Nope, no one lost their life that night. The audience, however, responded quite well.

only in spirit kwatt…only in spirit!

$20 says the scrawny bald kid with the hawaiin shirt gets a beat down.

Anyone else wearing a Hawaiin shirt today?

Epic Fail.

I am surprisingly curious as to whether you offered any off-the-cuff knock-knock jokes for the mercurial masses?

@g_rote:

Is the lobster bisque @ Soupman worth walking down there from Hennepin?

don’t worry kwatt….I am wearing green bay packer crocs so I look like quite a barnie right along with ya….

I am surprisingly curious as to whether you offered any off-the-cuff knock-knock jokes for the mercurial masses?

No but there was a shout out to MNSpeak. I guess you had to be there because I’m not repeating it. Just know that the people who were there appreciated it.

Yeah, it was lolsome.

Wearing a Hawaiian shirt today is not an EPIC FAIL.
It’s all kinds of WIN. Especially on such a dreary day.

don’t worry kwatt….I am wearing green bay packer crocs so I look like quite a barnie right along with ya….

That is two scoops of FAIL.

It’s an epic fail because, if I know Kevin, he’s wearing it tucked in with pleated pants. Hopefully he isn’t wearing a braided leather belt, too.

I get casual friday…but too many DT office drones take it too far. there’s never an excuse for bad office fashion. Green and yellow crocs, Hawaiian shirts? WTF? I think that Target needs to have their very well dressed Targetrons dispense fashion advice on the mall every summer friday.

Brandi…the lobster bisque is VVG, but I ain’t payin’ $8 for a cup of soup unless it comes with oyster crackers and a happy ending.

yeah they are pretty awesome….not only are they crocs–ugly….but they are packers green with yellow straps and the logo.

They were a give-away from Uline packaging. So for some reason I feel required to wear them…plus their damn comfortable.

I’ll guest blog occasionally but only for Chuck Norris movies.

Dibs on Swayze. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

It’s casual monday-friday at my office. My boss once asked me if I had any shirts without words or logos on them. I then went on Amazon and ordered the same AA polo shirt in 6 colors. I’m a sad, sad dresser.

Miller and CINF, I’ll put a sign-up e-mail for guest blogging, which will be good to have since I have never got through an entire Chuck Norris movie and I’ve seen all the bad Swayze movies too many times to ever watch them again (well, except for Roadhouse).

I shouldn’t talk because I threw on the first clothes I found off the floor of my bedroom today, but around here, everyday is casual friday.

Yesterday, there was a woman wearing sweatpants with a logo on them with socks and sandels.

I’ve seen all the bad Swayze movies too many times to ever watch them again (well, except for Roadhouse)

Thats a false positive….everyone knows there are no bad swayze movies.

Yesterday, there was a woman wearing sweatpants with a logo on them with socks and sandels.

Each floor has about 15 of those women.

miller, you can have all Swayze EXCEPT Point Break.

We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human sprit is still alive.

The MNspeak shout out from Bix was epic awesome. Being relatively new to the in-person MNspeak world, I knew the MNspeakers by who laughed.

Used to work with a guy whose Friday uniform was a hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, boat shoes sans socks, badly applied sunless tanning lotion and a gold link bracelet. It was all kinds of rockin’ the bad.

@grote

I really must try this bisque. I might as well just go this one time. Although, I looked at the prices and they are insanely high! I get two meals at Zen Box for less money than a pint of that soup.

hawaiian shirts are played….I’ve moved on to a vintage hypercolor shirt.

hawaiian shirts are played….I’ve moved on to a vintage hypercolor shirt.

the ever tightening loop of recycled fashion just tightened again.

And speaking of bad things, has anyone seen the TV show G’s to Gents? Here’s the trailer:

Good grief, America.

@bix…they have a daily special where the price is right for a bowl of soup and little sides (bread, fruit, chocolate)…but other than that, it’s not a value.

hawaiian shirts are played….I’ve moved on to a vintage hypercolor shirt.

Hypercolor shirts promote workplace sexual harassment.

Wearing vintage shirt now. Going to seminar for lunch. Jane’s outfit is hosting (at Graves). I’ll say hi for y’all.

I have two silk shirts I had made in Thailand by a guy who called himself James Bond. Too rainy to wear them today.

Anyone else wearing a Hawaiin shirt today?

This whole week, in fact. Also my Malaysian “orchid” shirts. I need to buy some linen pants now, though, to make my wardrobe complete.

bob…let me know how it is, as I heard the graves has really gone downhill since their old catering manager left last year.

It’s an epic fail because, if I know Kevin, he’s wearing it tucked in with pleated pants. Hopefully he isn’t wearing a braided leather belt, too.

Okay, no, it’s not tucked in and I’m wearing jeans pants. No braided leather belt either. BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION braided belts are far more durable than other kinds.

b*tch

bob, are you guys going to FarmFest?

Kevie, you know I was just teasing you…wow, sensitive much?

Thanks Bob. I’ve had a busy morning, that is, it’s safe to say Grote’s mom is no longer keeping it Kosher.

Freaky bad/weird thing: Early this am (’bout 1:30) the fire dept. showed up at my door… 2nd time in a couple of weeks – prank call reporting a fire at my address.

Last week it was my neighbors. This morning I find a flyer on my door from the Mpls. arson squad – they don’t play.

the hell with yall….I am gonna get a braided belt that is like 14″ too long, then do that dealie-bop where you let it hang down like a leather wang…..finally I am going to top the look off with braided/wooven leather sandal/moccasins. I’ll rock that bitch all summer long….all night long.

-Thats right I am the guy with the sunglasses on his head at 11pm lookin like I just stepped out of a scotch ad-

@Cat

What the holy hell?!

OMG Cat – that’s crazy!

@ Bix and ranty: I’m trying not to freak, but wtf, right?

What’s a “911 – use only” phone? as the calls have come from this type of phone made by some dickhead.

Are those the same as the blue “emergency’ phones?

I always hated that little kid on Family Ties and knew he was always up to no good.

Grey Poupon ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

Both links safe for work. Very safe.

I thought that any cell phone which is functional but not hooked up with a provider could be used to dial 911… anybody know if that’s right? I seem to recall it from cell phone drives we’ve had at my work – they were to be given to battered women for emergency use.

that’s right, ranty

I do think ranty is right. Cell phone with no provider can still dial 911.

Jane says “hi” to everyone. She was too busy with her event at the Graves Hotel to stop in. Food was great, seminar marginally useful.

Have pocketful of $1 coins, thanks to Metro Transit machine for light rail. I only had a $20…

bob…salmon, chicken or sandwich buffet?

sandwich buffet. I went for the roast beef, which was very good, as was the salad selections.

“Gourmet Sandwich Buffet”

I don’t have much basis for comparison, but it seemed as good as ever. The food was excellent, varied, fresh and well-displayed. And plentiful. They were lurking and would not let us sneak any out of there. The only complaint was some guy wanted coffee and couldn’t find any. But then he did.

The service was nice and quiet too. Yeah, everything seemed fine! I am kind of pooped from planning and hosting this thing.

Oh, one more thing: the Graves 601 does not over-air condition! Good for them!

The light rail machines take plastic.

Those are obviously claim-related photos… still funny.

yes, excellent buffet choice. fresh sliced ahi, tenderloin and smoked turkey breast. really good arugula salad with truffle vinaigrette and really finely diced golden beets.

I know. But I hate to use a credit card for a $1.50 charge (which actually should have been 50 cents, as I was only traveling in the “downtown zone” during non-peak hours.

Thanks again, Jane, it was good seeing you!

The girl-getting-head-shaved category is still my favorite. Drawing is so 1989. But hey, the 80s are back…

The light rail machines take plastic
So does Grote’s mom.

But hey, the 80s are back…
Thanks again to Grote’s mom.

Man I love this thread. Grote’s mom, the gift that keeps on giving. Luckily, I’m in a hospital.

nobody’s wearing day-glo fashion, so I retract my proclaimation. And who the hell is Grote? Or his mom for that matter?

/new here

Did I miss something? Are g_rote & teucer brothers?

The 80s are back? No wonder I was listening to Huey Lewis in the car this morning.

my mom gets more hits than JACC’s blog…but that’s not saying much.

but fewer unique visitors.

Teucer’s mom gets a lot of direct hits and unique visitors.

Grote, that is exactly what I ate and nothing else! (Except no turkey: booorrriingggg).

Truffle vinaigrette…. (drool)

jane…I used to drink that stuff.

The sauces with the beef and tuna were especially good, btw.

Did I miss something? Are g_rote & teucer brothers?

So many places one could go with this one, so little time.

They are internet brothers, in much the same way some people have a Vegas wife.

IIRC, there was some sort of basil aioli with the beef and a wasabi mayo with the tuna and a really good sort of apricot / mustard marmalade for the turkey. but it’s been a while.

I have a vegas brother.

I have an 80s brother. His collar is always starched and leaven, and his wife carries all his blow.

Yep, those were the sauces, I think. Didn’t try the apricot one.

Mason, what does “leaven” mean?

jane- I meant to write leavened, but maybe that’s wrong; read raised.

I was wearing my collar down all day. If I would have only known it was the 80’s again!

kurtis…read Big Sleep and Long Goodbye…not sure about anything else on there.

Agree on those two. If you don’t want to read all of them, definitely make time for Farewell, My Lovely, too.

Frankly, I’d rather be reading Hammett or Ellroy.

Oh, I see. That’s a nice use of the term “leavened,” kind of quirky and original.

2 points for mason.

Really like Ellroy, but for hard bitten crime novels, Jim Thomson is my guy. I have a complete collection of his books…and the only other authors I can say that about are James Michener and my Aunt (she did a series on braiding hair and sent us copies)

If you like Huckleberry Finn, and I do, I highly recommend you read Finn, by Jon Clinch.

I’m drawing a blank on specifically California literature. Maybe some Steinbeck? Tortilla Flats?

Cannery Row, Jane. That’s good stuff.

Thompson is very solid, geoff. Full collection, huh? I’ll have to find me some today.

If you want to read good stuff about the wilds of Florida, pre-Hiassen, then MacDonald is your man.

Thomson is the pulpiest. I think The Killer Inside Me and Savage Night are his 2 best books.

also, almost everything of his that was adapted for the screen turned out VG+…especially “The Killing” (Kubrick’s first film), “After Dark, My Sweet” (vastly underappreciated film) and “The Grifters”.

it’s a style of writing I haven’t perfectly developed yet./developed perfectly./perfected./worked out.

Looks like this fella was trying to take advantage of pre-convention discount services.

popped collars aren’t just 80s anymore. you may run the risk of developing a ‘fratboy’ish quality…

Did somebody say popped collars?

Looks like this fella was trying to take advantage of pre-convention discount services.

See the PIM post.

Did somebody say popped collars?

Ha. No one can accuse me of having an unruly collar! This is just a twig in the forest for the new retroists. I was in the single digits for much of the 80s but I remember enough. Nowhere is it more evident than with movies: LINK

And that doesn’t include TV. No wonder I’m so bored with TV. I digress.

Speaking of bad movies, Roadhouse is on AMC RIGHT NOW!!!!

I went looking forward and saw The Man Who Wasn’t There is also showing, and which I haven’t seen.

And might I add, holy crap, that’s Tony Soprano!

Not that anyone will see this (since you all have lives) but I give you…

I Want Those 90 Minutes Back!

Looks like the start of a good blog, Aliecat. Hope it doesn’t come at the price of your sanity!