Secrets of the City

FIRST POST!

just jk. but really, it’s first

I only show up for open threads.

oh and what I was going to say is that I not only have friday off, but only work half a day today. ka-ching!

Where’s the glasses? That beer’s gonna get warm. One thing I can’t f–kin’ stand is warm beer. It makes me f–kin’ puke!

It is beach, picnic, and fireworks around Lake Minnetonka for me tomorrow!

Surprisingly restrained YouTube comments on this one:

Even this clip is too long for its own good. We GET it in the first 45 seconds. Cimino was simply trying -in a really big way- to make up for his shortness and/or androgyny and/or personal insecurities.

Ha! That must be it! The old short, androgynous auteur theory.

I find, typically, YouTube comments to be pretty much the absolute collective worst of humanity.

Here are the beer glasses!

I need to get a few of these lab quality glass beauties formed into the shape of a plastic beer glass.

warm beer is fine if it’s not swill to begin with. american beer is just typically so shitty we have to chill it until we can barely taste it to choke it down.

now, like, red stripe? shit, it tastes better warm!

I love it when some assholes halfway down the block celebrate our nation’s independence a day early by setting off redwood-sized firecrackers and Tomahawk missile warheads until 2 in the effing morning. Even better when the alarm goes off at 6.

Ang is probably face down on her keyboard at work right now so don’t be surprised if the next comment from her is “azzzkl;jzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”

here is the only beer glass I’d ever want to buy

@wayne: I have all today and tomorrow off, so there!

In other news, I’m competing in the first round of the Funniest Person in the Twin Cities contest on Wednesday, July 23 @8pm @ ACME.

It’s a full show. The first 15 minutes will be contestants and then the featured and headlining comics. At the end they announce who won that night (which doesn’t necessarily mean you advance to the next round). I’ll do three minutes of material exclusively about people from Mpls doing things like this and people from St. Paul doing things like that (as requested by Teucer).

I have 20 free tickets, so if you’d like to come support/heckle me/others, it’d be much appreciated/very annoying.
If you have my email address, hit me up and if you don’t but still want to come, I’ll get it to you somehow.

Bonus: both Mother and Grandmother Bixby will be there. And they’ll even sign autographs (for a fee).

I have all day tomorrow off too. I’m going tubing in wisconsin in the morning and then having my festivities in the evening.

I’m hungover today…blargh…leaving at 2 though and having dinner at Sea Salt with my good friend. Yay!

and probably going dancing after the fireworks

brandi, I don’t know how many knock-knock jokes I can take in a row.

Wayne, my parents are in your home state right now doing the tourist thing. They’re near Malibu, I told them to buy me a barbie. OMG, I slay me.

Who the f*ck schedules a two hour meeting on a day when I want to leave early??? ugh…

I’m going to drink 9 beers tonight.

Knock Knock.

Whose there?

St. Paul.

Saint Paul who?

Saint Paul of Tarsus.

Sorry we have all the hate filled religion we need.
Try next door they seem to eat that shit up.

In other news, I’m competing in the first round of the Funniest Person in the Twin Cities contest on Wednesday, July 23 @8pm @ ACME.

If you win does that mean Sheletta has to give up her Emmy?

Maybe she can trade it for a couple of Grammys.

I think the current exchange rate is as follows:

10 Grammys = 1.5 Emmys = 0.00001 Oscars.

Tonys are non-tradeable fiscal instruments.

If you win does that mean Sheletta has to give up her Emmy?

If Bix wins, that means Sheletta has to put her Emmy where our sticks are.

I can live with a stick up my butt, but an emmy? Bah! Too metally. Or, wait, are they plastic?

They’re metally.

Jason’s Emmy was broken when someone tried to replace their stick.

I swear to god, if I don’t win an Emmy this year, I’m going to freak.

Ang- don’t ask where it broke off in either…

Max, you’ll always be an winner to me…or is that wiener?

The pictures I had of that stuffed pickle and a plastic bottle of catsup were far more interesting, but my wife ordered them removed.

but my wife ordered them removed.

I bet she did DeRush. I bet she did…

I’m allergic to metal – I stay on the stick.

Three-parter:

1) Heaven’s Gate? Really? Does anyone else remember the kool-aid induced mass-suicide for reunification with aliens?

2) Jason, that’s quite the grease stain next to your pickle.

3) Today is my birthday. I am now 30.

Happy Bday Leigha!!!

I’ll be joining you exactly one month from today.

welcome to the party Leigha…I turned 30 last thursday…it aint so bad.

HB 30.

Who can forget Heaven’s Gate?

Check this out: Is this your name? Mine says I am handsome,probably male and averagely voweled. My personal power animal is the Blast-ended Skrewt. My Numerology’ number is 7. If it wasn’t bulls**t, it would mean that you are spiritual, eccentric, and a bit of a loner. Introspective and analytical, you think deeply and preferseclusion.

Yep. That’s pretty much me.

Yes, Leigha, happy b-day!

“According to the US Census Bureau°, 0.009% of US residents have the first name ‘Kurtis’ and 0.0002% have the surname ‘Scaletta’. The US has around 300 million residents, so we guesstimate there are 0 Americans who go by the name ‘Kurtis Scaletta’“

Heh.

Thanks, friends!

Oh, and Kevs, my animal is the Giant Anteater. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Mine is a dwarf zebu. I guess Arthappy was right about my bovine tendancies.

My animal is a sphynx cat. Meow.

and I lied, my birthday is a month from tomorrow.

In the spirit of the open thread I give you… garfieldminusgarfield.net

I’m sure everyone has already seen it, but I don’t care. I still think it’s hilarious.

I also had a guesstimate of 0 americans that go by my name, which I sort of already knew. My power animal was Mike Tyson. I’m not sure what that means.

# Your personal power animal is the Ring-tailed Lemur
# Your ‘Numerology’ number is 3. If it wasn’t bulls**t, it would mean that you are enthusiastic, creative, optimistic, and fun-loving. You seek self-expression through words or the arts, and enjoy learning through life experiences.

Itza keeper!

My cat’s real name is Jonathan Taylor Thomas but we didn’t name him that. He was a used cat. His previous owner’s 12-year-old daughter named him. When we got him 13 years ago my mom was like, “no way we’re calling him JTT” so he’s just Jonathan.
And he is kinda obnoxious. Besides eating electronic cords if we don’t give him a canned cat food treat daily, he also broke into my neighbors house with some of his cat friends and we ended up having to adopt our own cat from the humane society.

Good grief.

Awesome. My animal is the humpback whale.

I guess Arthappy was right about my bovine tendancies.

For the record, I never called anyone a “bovine.” However, violent, and truth-bending, defensiveness is often a good sign that a critic has stumbled on a truth.

No, it actually means we’re still mocking you. Nice try, though.

1. Your personal power animal is the Leopard Gecko.
Kitty!

2. Your ‘Numerology’ number is 1. If it wasn’t bulls**t, it would mean that you are ambitious, independent, and self-sufficient. Although you are generally happy, loving, dynamic and charismatic, you can sometimes be egotistical, selfish and melodramatic.

Doesn’t egotistical basically = selfish? eH, Either way, I’m fine with that.

Hi, I’m JACC my personal power animal is the Giant Weta, my ‘Numerology’ number is 4,and I am ‘very well envoweled’.

Tyrannosaurus Rex.

It figures I’d get an extinct creature.

Guess was 7 people in the US with my name. I know of one who is a press flak for Timber companies in the NW.

Mockery, eh?
Good.
Means your level of discourse Alie has moved from the fifth-grade pottymouth level to the sixth-grade too cool for school level. Congrats to you on this major advancement.

Put your vowels away, JACC! Think of teh childrens!

Means your level of discourse Alie has moved from the fifth-grade pottymouth level to the sixth-grade too cool for school level. Congrats to you on this major advancement.

Shows what you know, I got my Masters in potty mouth.

Did you minor is Sass?

Also, the guess thinks there are 14 other people in the country with my name.

I shall now write them a haiku.

We have the same name
the quickening approaches
there can be just one

I’m currently studying for my PhD in Dickishness. My thesis is on ArtHappy.

Shows what you know, I got my Masters in potty mouth.

That’s not all you got in yo’ mouth. hey-oh!

Dougie, yes. I was torn between Sass and Finger Snapping, though.

@alie – the flirting has begun. My master plan is all coming together. Mwahaha!

I’m currently studying for my PhD in Dickishness.

Well, you already wrote the book on Ironically Self-Righteous Bitchiness, so I’m sure you’ll be quite successful with this topic… :^*

It was a best seller too. A true piece of art.

Wait, mb is a self-righteous bitch? And here I thought I was the only one…

Kevs, we’ll talk later about disclosing personal things on the internet.

What the holy hell?!

My power animal is an Oompa Loompa AND I’m poorly envoweled?!

Thanks, mom.

I want a name do over, dammit.

Recap:
Pure and virginal – uh, well, no comment.
Griffon Vulture – wtf?
And I too am very well envoweled.

Oh, and in case I didn’t know it, I’m female.

Wait, mb is a self-righteous bitch?

I hate her and I shall now write her a haiku.

MB thinks she great
typical self-righteous bitch
bring in the gimp, Marsh?

David Fhima filed for bankruptcy.

Ok, I had it out with arthappy the other day, too, but opening all of this up again was completely unprovoked by him (so far as I can tell??). Th3 rest, let it.

Plus I’m getting too old and too beautiful for this shit.

Three-day weekend. Think about it.

You’re never going to win an Emmy Award — like Sheletta has done — with blog entry like that, wtfmn.

Think about that over your three-day weekend.

Yes, and I’d like it to be known that I’ve learned my lesson.
Never question the wisdom of the, um, crowd.

This is one “dick” who is actually really not a bad guy. I just get a contrary bug-in-the-ass every once in awhile (esp. when tipsy; sorry for that).

To throw a hat of surrender in with the herd, here’s my own recap:
Personal power animal — Sabre-toothed Tiger (am I an honorary cat?)
Numerology number 3 — Enthusiastic, creative, optimistic, and fun-loving. You seek self-expression through words or the arts, and enjoy learning through life experiences.

Hm. Yeah, that pretty much nails it.

RE: Fhima’s – I”m surprised it took this long to file.

wtfmn: It’s a cumulative thang.

And it’s a 4.5 day weekend for me – YAY!

You’re never going to win an Emmy Award — like Sheletta has done — with blog entry like that, wtfmn.

I was shooting for an Edward R. Murrow award and a Caldecott Medal.

Heh… shooting.

So I’m a Sumatran Orangutan.

But my bigger question is, can I get my ‘r’ back on my user name? What’s with the 8 character limit. Help, I’m lost with out my “Sar”!

OK, lunchtime.

So I’m a Sumatran Orangutan.

Yeah, same here. There are probably 0 Americans with my name, which looks pretty cool spelled backwards.

Nice work on the haikus, JACC.

…What’s with the 8 character limit….

Speaking of feature requests, any plans on returning the “send me an email when someone snaps out a comment” checkbox? Or better yet, make an RSS feed available for the comments on each thread.

Grizzly bear
seek growth adventure and life experiences
only one with my name
male or female

On day 2 of a five day weekend. Time to go biking, I think.

Just A Cool Cat DORK
believes his hair is awesome
too bad it is not

Speaking of orangutans, my husband just sent me an email saying I should pick him up at the Como Zoo.

Weird.

To throw a hat of surrender in with the herd

Why even say anything at all?

That is odd, mb. Usually your husband has to stay locked up until closing time.

that’s what I thought too DeRush. Must be because of the holiday weekend.

If anybody wants to see a part man, part monkey… a mankey if you will… tickets are 5 dollars.

Mankey, hey that is what *my* animal is.

adventurous, mercurial, and sensual. You seek growth through adventure and different life experiences. Although you are a critical thinker, you can sometimes over-ponder an issue.

That is so like someone that is not me!

The US has around 300 million residents, so we guesstimate there are 1 Americans who go by the name

That is right people. There is only one, and he is me!

They guesstimated 8 Americans with my name. I call shenanigans!

My number is 8, my animal is a bull shark, and I’m averagely envoweled.

I’m averagely envoweled

Hee!

OK, here’s todays fun link.

http://thewebsiteisdown.com/

Just watch it, OK. It’s all about the internets and the guys who make the tubes work.

“You can’t organize it by penis”.

I think those who are very well envoweled could use some disenvoweling…

How’re them Pop Tarts, Max?

Kent Hrbek does bring the average down a bit.

“You can’t organize it by penis”.

Can and will.

I’m too full to finish the pop tarts. The cheese and peanut butter crackers filled me up.

I can’t let an open thread go by without some mention of Lara Logan.

Here she is on the Daily Show. Watch for the part where she talks about what she says to soldiers when she hops in their humvee while embeded.

I really feel like I could puke at any moment.

I’m out. Don’t forget – America’s birthday is tomorrow.

This one’s for you America! Happy Birthday!

Thanks for that Lara Logan clip, Bixby. I’m another LL fan, and it’s good to know that she does smile occasionally. I saw her on the Letterman show a while ago, and she was pretty serious through the whole interview.

Bix, don’t forget to send me a link to that crazy website you were talking about yesterday!

Is America having a birthday party? I hope not. At its last birthday party it got drunk and called everyone a bitch and claimed Canada slept with its boyfriend. It was awkward for everyone involved.

America’s a whore. I fingerbanged her under a blanket watching a movie with her parents. Dirty dirty whore…

Same animal and number as mjm, only I’m “well-envoweled.” Hot.

mb – are you drunk?

She talks SO DIRTY when she’s drunk!

@derusha

I too was wondering if she was drunk. Too bad its too late for Good Question.

So what if I drank 3/4 bottle of wine tonight. And had a Coors Light. And a Corona…

I just found a picture of my husband wearing knee socks and playing an accordian when he was 7. Greatest night evar.

So, last night a couple of us went to Sonic.

Bix @ drive-thru: Can I order a cream slushie with my combo?
Sonic Chick: You can try.

Then it took her like 4 times to get just what I wanted on my bigger correct. Then it took several times to get the rest of the order correct.

Then Teucer and I gave the speaker the finger while we were ordering (but being very polite verbally) and we kinda think that they might have a camera. Uh oh.

Anyway, its super busy still and even though we were polite, the drive thru person was kinda a bitch to us when we asked things like, “where’s our shake” (it was right next ti her).

I’m under the impression that Sonic could turn into The Weiner Circle North (google it- it was on This American Life).

I would like to add that Bix ordering at Sonic is one of the funniest drive-thru exchanges I’ve witnessed to date.

And if the camera caught Bix & Tuecer flippin’ her off, it also caught me howling with laughter at the exchange and trying to get unstick the duct tape that was stuck to my ass.

This is why The Rat never goes to a drive-thru. There’s not really any two way communication that can work.

And if you order a meal combination, you order by number and you don’t substitute. That’s why it’s called a combination.

I disagree, Rat. Two way communication can and does work via drive-thru. This was most likely the case of the Sonic chick being overwhelmed as it was hella busy, and maybe not having enough experience.

Plus, Sonic (as well as a number of other fast food places) allow for substitutions, the Sonic chick’s response was because she couldn’t find the right key to allow for the substitution not because it couldn’t be done.

Bix’s frustration was my hilarious moment.

Sorry Bix.

This was most likely the case of the Sonic chick being overwhelmed as it was hella busy, and maybe not having enough experience.

So, did you three do anything to ease this young woman’s burden of inexperience and confusion, or did you do everything you could to make it worse for her?

@rat

I said that I was polite in the initial comment. In fact, I knew it was busy so I spoke slowly and clearly. In fact, Cat and Teucer were impressed how patient I was considering how ridiculous it was.

Is that good enough or should I have gotten out of the car and offered to go inside, ring up my own order and bag it myslef?

I went with Brandi this afternoon, and they messed up every step of our order. Every single step.

Dang, who knew drive-thrus could be so controversial?

Just to be clear, Rat, it was not an “us” against the Sonic chick experience. Bix was not only clear and congenial, she basically said: “hey, let’s start over” to give the Sonic chick another try, which she still managed to screw up. Not only do I think Bix handled herself well, most would have lost their shit.

Teucer and I didn’t think our chiming in would help the matter. I was having my own micro-drama trying to unstick the stuck duct tape and in this situation, Teucer did indeed make it worse by giving me shit and making me laugh harder.

I think that I’m all Sonicked out for a while.

Also, sorry about that duct tape. I can’t remember why it’s in my car…strange.

That would have never had happened at Steak & Shake, bix.

Unless you were deaf.

mmmm…steak and shake.

Exciting event at my house about an hour ago. Someone apparently called in a fire at my address – later told that maybe it was north instead of south.

Street was blocked off by three firetrucks, with two more on the way, an ambulance and more firefighters than I’ve seen outside of a freakin’ parade.

No fire, but more commotion than my neighbors have ever witnessed. I’ve never seen people empty out of their houses faster.

Maybe it was the Sonic chick seeking revenge.

Good times.

And if you order a meal combination, you order by number and you don’t substitute. That’s why it’s called a combination

Wrong, I order cheese on my chicken sandwich meal at BK and they NEVER get it wrong.

@cat

That really sucks for the house that’s actually on fire. I wonder how long before help arrived there.

Yeah, Bix, that’s what we thought as well so we called and were told that it was a prank – no fire at either address.