Secrets of the City

who is this Abysmal Chick?

Me like, me like.

Darn, I was hoping the “41 miles in a Burley” was a story about acalhoun commuting to work in aeklund’s Burley. Wasn’t there talk of that a while back? Are acalhoun and aeklund brothers?

I think she’s too wild for you, wayne…haha!

what does that mean?

you haven’t seen me when I really get drinking

Me like, me like.

curiously, didn’t you say the same thing about josie?

Well, then you’ll probably both end up in jail by then end of the night! A match made in heaven…

If anyone knows where a guy can get real skyscraper models that actually resemble actual buildings, a guy might be interested in knowing.

Speaking of tall buildings, judging by this article, things are not looking so rosy in my alternate career of choice.

is kwatt plotting a terrorist attack?

No. He just has an odd perversion for tall buildings and would someday like to clean the outsides of them for fun.

Abysmal Chick is a funny gal. She came with us to Geek Prom last month and is quite the dancer (so is Aliecat, as you can see in the video).

And I want one of those IDS puzzles! A cursory google search didn’t come up with anyplace to buy it online.

And speaking of labor issues…

I can’t be vocal about things I like?

Sofie, you either are saying that I’m a wild woman or Wayne doesn’t like me anymore.

The first statement would be true.

The second statement would be partially false, as I believe Wayne and I have a big sister-little brother-esque adversarial relationship, but it’s all in good fun. (And I may have misspelled adversarial.)

sister/brother. the booty call kiss of death

You’ve never read Flowers in the Attic.

Oh, God, Flowers in the Attic is the second best bad book of all time.

Number one is a gem of a novel called Satisfaction by Rae Lawrence.

I believe it to be the Greatest Book Ever Written About Attic Children.

It also may be the best book ever written about unexpected, religiously inspired horsewhippings.

Kwatt, that scenario is exactly why unions exist. $10 an hour and no training? That’s madness!

(I know someone who died washing windows. It’s as dangerous as it looks.)

actually, what i’m saying is: it would seem wayne has added Abysmal Chick to his “me like” list which i seem to vaguely recall, you were also on his list.

pretty innocent really, bar wild woman statements & brother/sister relations…

What I’m trying to say is I don’t have a problem with Wayne. I find him entertaining in the way you find a puppy that chews up your shoes entertaining. They may annoy you, but in the end, you can’t help but enjoy them. I don’t know how he feels about me, but I’m definitely not part of the Wayne hating society that has unnecessarily sprung up around here.

who’s been hatin’ on wayne?

Dude, it is getting so obnoxious. A few threads of late have devolved into a haterade party.

Let’s not get into how ridiculous it is to flood a post with comments about how someone is commenting too much.

haterage party

it would seem i haven’t popped in enough to distinguish who’s who and what’s what.

Wayne did get admonished a bit by some regulars for the crime of not really liking the Twin Cities. I don’t know if that counts as hate, though. Midwestern defensiveness, maybe.

Most of the unpleasant criticism came from some anonymous jerk.

Personally, I think Wayne is a funny guy. I know more than perhaps I need too regarding his preferences for intimately groomed women, but that’s teh Internets for you.

Dude, it is getting so obnoxious. A few threads of late have devolved into a haterade party.

Let’s not get into how ridiculous it is to flood a post with comments about how someone is commenting too much.

Amen. Yesterday, the flood hates opened. I just don’t get the “control” issues of some commenters.

too = to

I was one of the “admonishers” yesterday, teucer, but I don’t think I was being rude or unkind to Wayne, I was just heartily disagreeing with him.

What I’m talking about more is the anonymous commenters who are unnecessarily attacking Wayne as a person, based on what they see of him by commenting on a website. To me that’s incredibly juvenile and also uncalled for.

Back on topic: shaving messages in back hair? Ew!

what about shaving messages in … other hair?

Shaved back hair is bad enough but I saw buttcrack.

… I have to go shower now, eew!

Josie: “…I was just heartily disagreeing with him..”

You monster.

And I disagree with the OP blogger – I think that shaving a back hair message is quite funny. Funnier still if it says “sasquatch.”

cat, you prefer natural bushy backhair?

This thread has suddenly turned into really effective birth control. MNspeak: making lives better, every day.

I have plenty of effective means of birth control, including (but not limited to) my personality and habit of sweating profusely when I take a bike ride in warm weather.

Wayne: “what about shaving messages in … other hair?”

No.

But getting a tattoo on one’s cleavage with an arrow pointing up and the words “Hey! My eyes are up here!” is perfectly acceptable. Such is the subtle minefield of social niceties.

I know, teucer, how do I sleep at night? I disgust myself.

Also, creative patterns in any kind of hair follicles is really a bad idea. A boyfriend in college once grew Civil War-style muttonchops with a long, waxed-tip mustache.

This was after we broke up.

Thank God.

cat, you prefer natural bushy backhair?

sans backhair, please.

and teucer, nooo, shaved backhair never funny. ok, might giggle if sasquatch was the message, but backhair is not a good thing to have.

That’s why wax is made. Think 40-year-old Virgin. Wait, full on wax, not the man-o-lantern look.

wow.

I feel sad that I cannot grow a fine moustache.

It’s always entertaining (or frightening) to discover what kind of body hair a new partner is rockin’.

I’ve dated a few hairy dudes, and it honestly didn’t bother me that much. I can appreciate a seventies Burt Reynolds sort of hairy masculinity.

However, if any of those men had shaved a message into the hair, I would have had been out of there SO fast.

josie, what if you were the one who had shaved the message?

gotta give you credit for hangin’ with the hairies… I can’t do it and fortunately there haven’t been any big “Holy Shit WTF” moments.

wth is a man-o-lantern?

also what about people with fairly thin and fine body hair?

lol@”hangin’ with the hairies”

My first, um, experience was definitely a Holy Shit WTF moment. But, alas, I was totally in luv, which helps a teenager see past things like that.

Wayne, you haven’t seen the 40 Year Old Virgin? It’s much funnier in context.

Get thee to Hollywood Video tonight! It’s too hot to do anything tonight besides drape yourself over an air conditioner anyway. I’m planning on watching Notes on a Scandal.

As far as body hair, every woman has different tastes. I’m pretty much okay with any configuration nature will throw at me (trimming, however, is always appreciated *cough*), Cat seems to like them smooth and silky, but I also think that most women are aware that most men aren’t going to do much in the way of grooming it, and understand that what they’ve got is what you’re going to get.

Josie — what about some tasteful braiding?

Wayne — a man-o-lantern, if I’m interpreting correctly, is someone who can shave bits of hair and make faces, messages, etc. in much the same way one can do with a pumpkin.

josie, I have not. I don’t have an ac anyway.

I’m also super broke until friday! yay!
but I wonder if it’s on netflix on demand … if so I might watch it tonight in my awesomely-rearranged and somewhat-cleaned apartment.

rich, if that’s true … good god, ugh.

and uh, I mean, keepin the Peterson account groomed and happy is key to rising in the firm. But we’re not so into cost-cutting that we trim every job perk to keep the bottom line down.

Hmmm, is there beading involved with the braiding? I do like to accessorize.

wayne, as josie said, the man-o-lantern is much better in context so rent the movie and it will all make sense to you.

yup, i do like my boys smooth and silky. a bit of body hair is ok, but if you can see messages, braid, create small villages in… i’m out.

now tatts and piercings on the other hand…

I don’t see Burt Reynolds hanging around to be braided and beaded. He’d be laughed out of the Cannonball Run.

Beads, bows, possibly even a scrunchy. You can break out the Claire’s Boutique bonanza.

I am so very not cat’s type

yup, i do like my boys smooth and silky.

What about your boys’ “boys”? I shivered just typing that…

Oooh, piercings. I’ve always wanted to take some of those for a test-drive; as of yet I have not. I think the guys I like are a little too clean cut for that. Darn.

(Look, we got a MNspeak thread around to something kind of dirty in fifty comments or less. Sweet! Way to go, team!)

I feel sad that I cannot grow a fine moustache.

Why does that not surprise me.

This thread is disgusting.

But not as disgusting as watching a mom change her baby’s diaper on the chair at lunch today. Not cool. Not cool.

Because if I could grow a moustache, kevin, I would grow a handlebar, wear a tophat and cloak and tie women to railroad tracks while cackling maniacally.

Now, kevin! Don’t tease wayne.

Because if I could grow a moustache, kevin, I would grow a handlebar, wear a tophat and cloak and tie women to railroad tracks while cackling maniacally.

In other words, he would look like his hero — me.

BTW: That was Sue Jeffers I tied to the railroad tracks.

I mean, I would tie them to an unused siding and let them go after. But man, does that ever seem like fun.

Josie — you just need to find a reformed type. For example, once upon a time I sported blue hair and a tongue piercing. Granted, I played in a punk band and drank a lot, so it went with the territory. Now I’m a PR flak, so I removed those accoutrements long ago, but the tattoos have, of course, remained. There are plenty of that type around who, despite straight-laced day jobs, have yet to rid themselves of their barbells. And there are still others who’d be happy to pop down to Saint Sabrina’s to indulge a partner’s curiosity. Hope springs eternal and all that.

Of course, if you’re talking about piercings in a more southerly hemisphere, it’s a different story altogether. I hear Max has a steel studded wang though.

Catch and release, huh?

That’s a weight off the DNR’s mind.

I love you Bob.

Platonically.

Because if I could grow a moustache, kevin, I would grow a handlebar, wear a tophat and cloak and tie women to railroad tracks while cackling maniacally.

Why does that not surprise me.

And I’d tie Sue Jeffers to something, too. But it wouldn’t be no railroad tracks, I’ll tell you that much.

What about your boys’ “boys”? I shivered just typing that…

sick, but are they over 18? Just joshin’.

josie, you wouldn’t BELIEVE the number of clean cut jock-types there are sportin’ the piercin’s and tatts… yummy!

Errrrr….

Um.

oh, and wayne — no worries on not being my type as i doubt i am yours — the thought of all of that greasy oil from the trains on the railroad tracks would ruin my perfectly good hoop dress and my ringlet curls.

If I were to shave a message into a boyfriend’s back, it would probably be…

“If you can read this, my boyfriend’s a gay bottom.”

I kid, I kid.

I’m bringing hairy back
Them other brothers
Just have hairy crack

I hear Max has a steel studded wang though.

Well, of course you heard it, Rich. It clanks when I walk.

for her pleasure?

Whoaaa! How did we go from back hair to the PA?
… ooh, that’s right, know thy audience.

Max, you’d walk for her pleasure, wouldn’t you?

Max was a cyborg before it was cool.

“I’m hairy high and low.
Don’t ask me why, ’cause I don’t know.”

He’s do it in corduroys…so that the walk was ribbed for her pleasure.

Yepnope: You’d need a pretty broad boyfriend or a keen calligraphic eye to pull off a lengthy message like that. I was thinking “sasquatch” would be a challenge but your ambition outstrips mine by far.

“Tame wookie” wouldn’t be too bad either.

actually cat, I think you were the one that brought up piercings

I don’t suppose anyone has a man-in-a-labcoat fetish, do they?

Wayne: I know just the person.

I’d have to date a bear. And invest in one of those little trimmers designed for ear hair. It could be done, but I’d prefer not to.

no no, I meant a girl who likes men in labcoats.

I’m not beaker ):

no body hair please
braiding catches in my teeth
unhappy dentist

Then you’d want to play the role of Dr Bunsen Honeydew?

There was definitely a top and a bottom in that relationship.

You snotty younger females will get your payback within a couple of decades, when your changing hormones start to cause you to sprout serious mustaches. . . . not to mention even more unpleasant moodiness.

If you’d been kind during your current younger days, your sweetheart will likely tell you not to be concerned about it.

But if you’d been like most here, think again.

(And most of you are going to wind up with very big butts too.)

You reap what you sow; you know?

): x 1E100

(spitting out coffee, choaking)

Thanks, MNSpeakers. It’s the end of our fiscal year year, and I’m getting creamed today on deadlines, meetings and new stuff dropped in my lap. A much needed LOL…

It’s not altogether clear that Beaker was a boy or a girl, but let’s not split hairs. I admit defeat for now.

Cat likes em all smooth
Hot wax — the key to her heart
She should try eunuchs

Nothin’ wrong with back hair.

You want to know the really shocking thing that happens as you get older, Guy Who Appreciates Non-Snotty Women? You’ll eventually end up dead. That’s right. Dead.

And no one will want to get with you at all then. At least, I hope not.

BTW, you should change your nickname to “Why Don’t Women Like Nice Guys”?

Personally I can’t wait to die. I’ve already accepted that I’m not the kind of man most women are attracted to.

Teucer,

Actually, I do just fine, with women.

Hairy vs. not hairy, men or women: no need for it to be about that; it’s about how people conduct themselves.

You’ve been kind of cranky for the past couple of days; especially for an Englishman. Maybe you need a nap?

Cat and I have the same taste in men…tats and piercings…hmm…yummy, with a spoon!

Well thank goodness men are never picky about the physical attributes of women…

Especially for an Englishman? Since when have Englishmen been known to be perky? Remember, that’s the culture that spawned Morrissey.

Wayne,

There is help out there, and it’s probably very good. It’s just not here.

In other words, this board is not a support group for you; you’ve been treating it like it is.

Nobody here wants to see you shrivel up and die, or get run over by a train or bus; but many here want you to channel your energies and expressiveness in more appropriate ways (= somplace else).

I won’t let you suck on my breast, because I’m a guy, and I don’t like that, and there’s not that much there for you work with anyway.

There are a bunch of junior-high-oriented characters here on this board who’ve been defending you. But that’s been in a “Take pity. . . he’s handicapped” way. Like you’re the student-manager for the school sports team. Whereas, I think you’re smarter than that and more capable than that; you can learn to adapt, and find your niche. . . . eventually being genuinely accepted for who you are and for what contributions you are able to make. But, so far, this board ain’t the place; most people are being nice to you because they’re feeling sorry for you.

god forbid!

RichG has the correct. The entire Empire upon which the sun never set was founded in a moment of ill-temper. Furthermore, we invented punk music.

you also invented chavs

tsk

Teucer is English? How did I miss that?

Yepnope: “Teucer is English? How did I miss that?”

I forgot to say “Jolly good old bean, pass the Gentleman’s Relish”?

god not this shit again

Sounds like someone has a crush on you wayne! Tape your butthole shut!

And BTW, mister Troll, what do you know of our reasons for defending Wayne? Maybe we’re all a part of his harem?

You must have heard it from my best friend
Shes always talkin when she should be listenin
Cant keep a secret to save her life
But still I trusted her with all I felt inside

Maybe we’re all a part of his harem?

That will be hard to explain to Mrs. Lungs.

Wayne is a hairy gross.
Bob is creaming himself.
Max’s lanky hanky panky is soundin’ clanky.
Alie is advocating butt pluggin’.

This thread is unbelievable.

And I’m hungry, too.

You’ll eventually end up dead. That’s right. Dead. And no one will want to get with you at all then. At least, I hope not.

we all hope. *shiver* but what’s that fetish that i read on savage love called?

Waune, The Truth, and Help, Is Out There guy who doesn’t have much of a breast to suck on.

josie, i see what you mean.

At this moment, it is safe to assume the Wayne hater is a lone troll who is taking pleasure in disrupting MnSpeak. Ignore him or her and eventually they will move on to some other web page. Or not. But, anyway, they have nothing meaningful to contribute, and we should let them disrupt our conversation.

Bob, if she’s learned to love ethanol for you…

Yepnope: “Teucer is English? How did I miss that?”

The name Oliver Niesewand should have been your first clue. No ‘merican kid with a name like that could have survived public school.

Of course, in Jolly Old, the public schools are really private schools. And football really aint, but that sissy soccer stuff. Other than that, theys alright.

PS: The new head guy is called Brown. Same old Queen.

“Furthermore, I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there’s nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie old boy.”

I leave for two hours and you guys go nuts!

I have been in the proximity of a PA but did not get the full, um, experience, so now I’m sorry to say it’s become a mission in my life (my curiosity has been piqued!), partially for my own edification and partially to bring back a full report to my fellow bitches.

6′0″
weight none of your business

wayne has a harem

Max: But he’s assumed the personality of Gen. Jack Ripper!

This is the first time I’ve started to like our anonymous troll friend, as far as I know.

what’s a PA?

you don’t want to know

Prince Albert.

You can google that one by yourself. Don’t do it at work, though.

PA = Prince Albert – It’s usually a ring piercing through the urethral opening of the penis, going through the bottom of the frenum.

Well, wait a minute, then I guess what I’ve seen isn’t (technically) a PA. This was a barbell sort of thing that ran parallel to the and a few finger’s width above the base on the back side of the penis.

Don’t tell my mom.

Ampalang, maybe? Sounds like it’s kind of low, though.

Just wait till you see someone with a Jacob’s Ladder.

I have a hard time describing it verbally. Most people don’t get it until I can draw a picture, or create a model using bar napkins and a toothpick.

Man, sometimes I really wish that one had worked out.

There’s a few (explicit) pics on the wikipedia of the PA. Basically, if it goes in through where you pee, it’s a PA as far as I can tell. Probably someone who works at a tattoo/piercing place will see this thread and help us out.

I think it was a lorum piercing! Maybe a little higher though? Or it could have been one of the rungs on a Jacob’s Ladder.

Also, I have now looked at way too many pierced wang pictures for my mid-day comfort level.

I guess vanilla wangs are just not enough for the modern woman

“tape your butthole shut”?

GREATEST LINE EVER.

Not nearly. Today’s modern women enjoys a variety of flavors, including tropical, wild cherry, and blue raspberry.

Besides Wayne, weren’t you espousing the wonders of “bare coochies” just a few weeks ago. And are not many males just as fascinated by a pierced woman?

Hee! Vanilla Wang sounds like a dessert of some kind.

“Would you like a slice of the chef’s speciality, Vanilla Wang?”

“Oh no thanks, I couldn’t possibly eat another bite.”

See, Wayne, I don’t know if I’d want to have the cayenne pepper flavor for dinner every night. But it’s worth a try every now and then. You can always add something to vanilla, after all.

Actually Vanilla Wang sounds more like an Asian rapper.

OMG, vanilla wang. lollerskates.

I was just typing “chinese rapper” and then I thought, you know, I wonder if Jeremy has beaten me to it?

And you had.

Agreed — a transvestite Asian rapper.

Then there are the purists. Who believe that in a best case scenario, the unadorned are not “vanilla”–their parts are perfectly and wholly sufficient unto themselves and should be adored as such.

That’s right, make it a religion. Like you don’t already.

In my head Vanilla Wang is being sung to the tune of the chorus of Purple Rain.

Va-ni-lla wang! Va-niiii-lla waaaaaang…

wow, what have I started

“wow, what have I started”

Something so good it hurts.

Josie, re: Purple Rain, that’s perfect!

I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
But I didn’t want 2 see u laughing at my vanilla wang

Vanilla Wang Wang Baby
allright stop…collaborate and listen
wang is back with something you’re missin
someone grabs a hold of it tightly
flow like soft serve daily and nightly

I am suppressing so much laughter right now, I may choke.

LEGENDARY

apparently, this fine gent actually calls himself Vanilla Wang

Can you match wits with Ellery Queen as he investigates… “The Case of the Missing ‘Prince Albert‘”

Ouch! But that’s much better than losing a Prince Albert in the can.

Bah dum bum!!

At this moment, it is safe to assume the Wayne hater is a lone troll who is taking pleasure in disrupting MnSpeak. Ignore him or her and eventually they will move on to some other web page. Or not. But, anyway, they have nothing meaningful to contribute, and we should let them disrupt our conversation.

1) Max, it’s so funny when you get all school marmish.

2) There are plenty of MNSpeak readers who can’t stand Wayne. I’m one of many.

3) It’s even funnier that Max is trying to protect the sanctity of this fucking thread!

“2) There are plenty of MNSpeak readers who can’t stand Wayne. I’m one of many.”

Who knows? There might just be one reader using different anonymous handles.

Thanks, Wayne-haters, for interrupting a really awesome and insanely, delightfully off topic thread to ONCE AGAIN bore us with this crap. I mean, seriously, if it bugs you that much, isn’t there somewhere else on the Internet you can go and play?

Back to lunacy:

Vanilla wang
How sweet the sound
That saved a tramp like meeeeee

I fell in to a melted ‘nilla wang
I went down, down, down
And the wang climbed higher
And it came, came, came
The ‘nilla wa-ang
The ‘nilla wang

Max, I need a lollercoaster over here.

Sonofabitch.

josie, you’re my idol for keeping the thread alive and well while I stepped out.

stop with the wayne bash… oohh, we could turn that into a party.

richg, eunuch? really? because I don’t like hairy backs with messages?

You snotty younger females will get your payback within a couple of decades, when your changing hormones start to cause you to sprout serious mustaches. . . . not to mention even more unpleasant moodiness.

Oh, and “Guy Who Appreciates Non-Snotty Women”:
How do you know we’re not Frida Kahlo look-alikes with large asses?

It’s only Tuesday and the haters are already coming out… is it the heat?

Josie, how about a ROFL Copter instead?

Shit that things gonna give people seizures.

DUDE. YES.

Oh dear. That is annoying isn’t it. Sorry! I’m going to delete it from the server. It’ll be a broke-ass image there.

Augh! It won’t let me delete it. Dammit.

Take it down, quick, before Josie goes into an unrecoverable orgasm. We’ll never get her back!

It’s stuck, dude. That’s what I get for getting cute and using myspace to post it (picasaweb wouldn’t accept a .gif).

Oh, but what a way to go.

Okay, everyone just calm down.

Breathe.

Breathe.

There we go.

And a little bit softer now.

And a little bit softer now.

Yeah.

sorry, kwatt I can’t squat that far as my fat ass gets in the way ~
but, I like your sentiment.

stupid italics.

finis.

Closing the italic tag. There’s a feature request: having the form validation check for unclosed html tags.

Squatting? Huh? If that’s a butt sex joke, it’s even over my head.

“If that’s a butt sex joke, it’s even over my head.”

Not touching that one.

Between my Kevin’s broken image, my seizure-inducing ROFL Copter and the never ending italics, I think we done broke this thread in the pretty.

“…my Kevin’s…” and ever rule of grammar under the sun. *sigh*

“If that’s a butt sex joke, it’s even over my head.”

You’re doing it wrong.

One cannot make a MNspeak thread about nether piercings and wangs on their own. Cat rocks.

Max to the rescue on the italics!

“If that’s a butt sex joke, it’s even over my head.”

You’re doing it wrong.

I have a few gay friends that would disagree…

Is anyone else watching Air Emergency on NGC?

I’m not falling for that again, Kwatt. The last time I came over to watch TV with you I ended up hog tied with my underwear in my mouth…

Fool me twice, shame on me…

I’m not falling for that again, Kwatt. The last time I came over to watch TV with you I ended up hog tied with my underwear in my mouth…

Fool me twice, shame on me…

OMG – I think I just peed I laughed so hard.

I think we need an epilepsy tag/disclaimer @ top for the LOLCopter.

And that bastards of young video so makes me wanna have a cig. so.

I’m not falling for that again, Kwatt. The last time I came over to watch TV with you I ended up hog tied with my underwear in my mouth…

Fool me twice, shame on me…

Sorry about that. Thought you were Sue Jeffers.

Cat, we need Depends to be on MNspeak at this hour. Holy shit.

Kevin, you’ve never hog tied me. Last time I came over you sat on the other side of the couch and didn’t even look at me. What’s a girl gotta do?

A Jeffers impersonation seems to work like a charm…

have a dick, maybe?

Kevin, you’ve never hog tied me. Last time I came over you sat on the other side of the couch and didn’t even look at me. What’s a girl gotta do?

Shower.

Yow!

stoppp. my stomach aches from laughing.

damn…kwatt with the hygenic diss.

So you’re looking for four times a day in the boiling water, right? Because, I gotta be honest with you, I’m losing chunks of skin here on twice a day.

it puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again.

stoppp. my stomach aches from laughing.

Mine too! I don’t know that I’ve ever laughed this hard over any other threads.

So you’re looking for four times a day in the boiling water, right? Because, I gotta be honest with you, I’m losing chunks of skin here on twice a day.

You’re not washing the right places.

Toughened your nipples, didn’t it.

creepy silence of the lamb lines make me want to love hairy backs.

You know what, Kev, if you’re not even going to consider the PA, then I’m sure as hell not going to up the shower ante…

The secret to Kwatt’s love is Lysol, Josie…that and steel wool…

Does Brazil have a prince?

Lysol, Josie…that and steel wool…

Alie, my gynecologist and I just cringed.

not while I’m drinking people, please raise your hand before you post something funny.

Your derm would probably wince, too…

Max, that was cruel and unusual…that scene always gives me the creeps…

yes…Prince Wax-a-Lot

My derm would be okay with it as long as I put on SPF 30 before leaving the house.

Kevin, we are not talking Brazil, we are talking European powers, thankyouverymuch. One foot in front of the other, here.

I like PA’s and I cannot lie
You other sista’s can’t deny
when a guy walks in with an itty-bitty wang
and a ring around it’s thang
you get… well, ya’ know the rest.

And it doubles as a coat rack!

I have learned so much from this thread.

But the true test is whether or not it can make julienne fries.

I could sure go for a piece of boob cake right now.

Like Patrick Stewart, I only find a cake sexy if it shows a woman peeing.

“when a guy walks in with an itty-bitty wang
and a ring around it’s thang”

Thanks. Now I have a mental picture of someone’s wang fitted with one of those anti-scratching cones dogs are made to wear sometimes.

My eyes! The googles do nothing!

And it doubles as a coat rack!

I’ll remember to not invite you over again until November.

I had a cake from the, ahem, erotic bakery for my twentieth birthday with the inscription “Josie, Make a Wish and Blow.”

So anyway, it was a regular shaped cake with a bunch of chocolate penises adorning it, including one gigantic solid white chocolate one on the top. We all tried to gnaw our way through it at the party, failed, and it ended up in the fridge at the end of the night, forgotten…

…until a week later, when my landlord unexpectedly delivered a new fridge, and I was cleaning out the old one and handing things to the helpful delivery guy, including one plastic baggie with a ginormous white chocolate penis inside.

We all tried to gnaw our way through it at the party, failed, and it ended up in the fridge at the end of the night, forgotten…

lemme get this straight…you tried to gnaw your way through a penis? where on earth did you go to middle school?

Excellent story.

Kevin, you still have to hang up your messenger bag, don’t you?

Kevin, you still have to hang up your messenger bag, don’t you?

If you still got that peg, I still got that bag.

The only thing I could think of to say to the guy was, “Um, it was my birthday?”

My birthday was also the night this girl Liz smoked up a homeless man named Ishmael on my stoop, and two of my gay friends did it on my couch while I was busy throwing up all of my insides.

It was totally the best birthday ever.

twelve-year-old humor is the best ever!
And josie, b-day envy now.

If you were faced with a chocolate penis, wouldn’t you try to bite it in half?

I have to imagine penises are not all that hard to gnaw through.

This is the most bizzarro thread of all time. Thanks.

If you were faced with a chocolate penis, wouldn’t you try to bite it in half?

No. I’d go get one of these.

Cat, I’ve been trying to top it ever since. One of the gays in question gets in touch around my birthday every year to commemorate what may be the most insane night of our lives.

If you were faced with a chocolate penis, wouldn’t you try to bite it in half?

Josie, now I have this image of the delivery guy backing slowly away, trying not to make any sudden movements and gurding his loins.
… classic!

…and I’m spent. Nite nite, MNspeak.

Sweet dreams…not involving anything brought up in this thread.

Buffalo Kevin.

Now that the Twins finally won I’m outta here, too…almost.

Cat, I’ve been trying to top it ever since.

Maybe you’re just not cut out to be a top.

SEE YA LATER!

kwatt said: “If you still got that peg, I still got that bag.”

Kevin’s got a brand new bag.
He’s gonna groove it all night long.
Come here sister
Kevin’s in the swing
He ain’t too hip now
but I can dig that new breed babe;
He ain’t no drag
He’s got a brand new bag

Oh Kevin! He’s doing the Jerk

- Lyrics largely by J. Brown. Huh! Good God.

I have to imagine penises are not all that hard to gnaw through.

You are correct, sir.

“Because human teeth are not particularly sharp, most human bites cause a bruise and only a shallow tear (laceration), if any. Exceptions are on fleshy appendages, such as the ears, nose, and penis, which may be severed.”

Jesus. I leave you people alone for a minute…

The news release I wrote tonight was sooooo not worth missing out on the rest of the thread.

And Cat, I just needed a two syllable word that made sense in context. Don’t blame me. Blame 500 year old Japanese poetry modes. If you need to string someone up by their PA, I suggest exhuming Masaoka Shiki.

See? Coat rack, convenient carry handle — the PA is a practical addition to anyone’s household.

Just a postscript to this wild and wholly thread that is already an instant MNSpeak Classic. It needs a name, so we can all refer to it later (and snicker).

I humbly suggest: “The Vanilla Wang thread”

Oh, Lord, Rich. We just got past the Basho arguments, and you have to go ahead and bring up Masaoka Shiki! This Web site just keeps deteriorating into endless Haiku debates.

Or “The Prince Albert Thread”

btw – Josie smelled much better this morning.

Rich, you’re forgiven. Damn Masaoka Shiki. Next time can we think of another two syllable word to use?

Nothing like a hairy back thread first thing in the morning. Brings an immediate smile to a girls face — *sigh.*

And since kwatt has informed us that Josie is smellin’ all fresh this morning, who knows what the day will bring.

Kevin let me use his Old Spice.

I always thought he seemed more like a Hai Karate guy.

Sorry Max, if it makes you feel better, I’ll commit seppuku after I’m done ruining journalism for the day. Teucer can help.

Kevin, are you trying to accuse Josie of that no so fresh feeling on other occasions?

I hear Diet Vanilla Wang does crazy stuff when you drop a Mentos in it.

Kevin, are you trying to accuse Josie of that no so fresh feeling on other occasions?

Oh, you SO went there. *Snap*

“Come in the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left, you’ll find my favorite AXE.”

Nothing says “classy male” like AXE.

Richg: As tradition demands, I must graciously refuse your most generous request to act as your kaishakunin, for I am completely unworthy of this great honor.

Oh all right then, I’ll do it.

I thought nothing says “trying too hard” like AXE?

I’d think of AXE as more “not trying hard enough.”

From a female pov: AXE says: updated version of cheesy-used-car-salesman.

“What’s it gonna take to get you into this car tah-daay?”

Excuse me, I am always fresh. I’m like freaking Doug E. Fresh over here.

Kevin just has impossibly high standards.

I’m glad women think it’s awful too.

But Cat, don’t a lot of your manicured pretty boys wear it?

Waayyyne, you’re killin’ me.
No, I’m not a fan of any cologne or mist or spritz.

My “manicured pretty boys” are sans body hair and sans cologne. Straight up natural.
Oh, but the boy I luuuvveed smelled like sandalwood and fresh laundry.

As an empirical study, the other day I hosed down an aisle at the Target in the Quarry with a can of Axe: Phoenix. A great deal of confusion and disgust was on offer whenever anyone turned the corner into said aisle.

One U of MN coed turned to her friend and said, “Frat boy.” Her friend just nodded sagely.

At Walmart they have an endcap of Axe with a motion sensor.
When you walk by it screams out “Bom Chick Wah Wah“

Target decided this was not such a good thing to have in the store. although they are selling a tshirt.

uhh… they named a band the “Bom Chicka Wah Wah’s?”
And AXE is sponsoring them?
Them’s fightin’ words.
You can’t name a band after a phrase used for when a girl is gettin’ her stripper on – it’s wrong, wrong, wrong and it takes all of the fun out of it.
And then AXE on top of it?

… I have to go chain smoke.

richg: “One U of MN coed turned to her friend and said, “Frat boy.” Her friend just nodded sagely.”

You are the new I. P. Pavlov. What you describe here is precisely the AXE effect!

so there’s a lot of fun to be had normally when you’re getting your strip on, cat?

so there’s a lot of fun to be had normally when you’re getting your strip on, cat?

Yes, there is wayne.
But now, I am sad to say, I have to go in search of a new stripper theme phrase/song as “Bom Chicka Wah Wah” has been stolen away.
Until I find a new phrase/song, I’ll be down at Lake Nikomis selling Snoopy Sno-cones.

I would offer to help you in your quest, but you’d be disgusted by my body hair.

That’s what estheticians are for, Wayne. One must sacrifice in the pursuit of love.

good thing aveda is so conveniently-close. I can break in the students in the grossest way imaginable.

The first rule of the Aveda Institute is: “Let the wookie win”.

I thought the first rule @ Aveda was, “preach healthy organic lifestyle up front, smoke cigarettes out back”

Wayne is unlikely to tear anyone’s arm off. Though he may drool a lot.

well, I preach healthy not-driving lifestyle and then go smoke

aveda girls and I should get along fabulously!

except for the part where they all give me dirty looks out on the street when I walk to work.

That’s what estheticians are for, Wayne. One must sacrifice in the pursuit of love.

Amen, rich. Plus, Wayne, the act of having someone TEAR your body hair out with wax is… well, I’ve heard quite, um, lovely.

Wayne, perhaps you should just start wearing sunglasses in order to make your ogling less overt. The dirty looks may be due to the discomfort of feeling like a gazelle being sized up by a decidedly shady looking great cat.

First day at the Avader Institute.

LOL…Horst Vader.

I am your stylist, Luke.

or… I am your back waxer.

I find your lack of exfoliating lotions disturbing.

I smell an essential oil, an essential oil I have not smelled since…

This part of the thread totally isn’t my fault.

Oliver, you are bringing the awesome this week. High five.

“The force is strong in you, young Skywalker, but you are not a stylist yet.”

It’s patchouli I tells ya’.

There is no escape. Don’t make me detangle you.

Back at you Ms. J. Besides, you shouldn’t feel bad, the blogger threads are destined to be derailed. And this one was very educational; we all learned a lot about wang piercing and rapping.

…that’s Ms. J if you’re nasty.

If this thread goes any farther off the rails, I can guarantee that last comment will be the cause, Josie.

Damnit, now I have a Janet Jackson song running through my head.

Damnit, now I have a Janet Jackson song running through my head.

Not only the song, but the dance. But I can’t get my neck to move that way.

Oh and don’t forget hairy backs which led to piercings which led to wang piercings and rapping and Aveda and Horst Vadar and, oh, I get it… it’s all a ploy to get back to Wayne.

oh dear

I’m not even sure this can be referred to as the “Vanilla Wang” thread anymore. It’s just so much more than Vanilla Wang.

Not to slight Bob’s suggestion, but I liked Kevin’s suggestion of “the Prince Albert Thread” or “Prince Albert’s thread”. I’m sure he was an erudite man who would appreciate the wide range of topics we covered.

This part of the thread totally isn’t my fault.

Actually, Josie, if it comes down to it, it all links back to Twinkie Town so fret no more. And it’s been oh so hi-larious regardless of the detractors.

It’s always a team effort here at MNspeak.