Secrets of the City

Have a little trouble talking to people you don’t know (or like) very well? The Counter Culture Clown is here to help with Bob’s Strategy Guide for Small Talk.

Sometimes, you find yourself stuck in a position where you must talk to a complete stranger. Perhaps you’re at the grocery store. Maybe they’re in a rubber raft with you after your cruise ship is destroyed by Somalian pirates. Either way, they are there, so you should probably say something.

Really? Do you have to? I just whip out my iPhone — TADA —problem solved.

But, if you stop at the convenience store to buy to stoke some other kind of addiction, there’s always that darn gal behind the cash register — a “white-trash high school drop out reaching her early twenties on a wave of drugs and Red Bull,” according to Bob — but we’ll just leave that one alone, right?

Cigarettes and weather. Those are your only choices. It doesn’t even matter if you smoke or not.

Unfortunately, these people hate your very existence, so starting up conversation with them is kind of like trying to cuddle a very angry puma – Someone’s going to lose a limb.

According to the Guide, there are four types of people you can make small talk with: hot people, who will typically ignore you; crazy people, whom you should either ignore or outdo; boring people, with whom you can discuss the news, music, or hemp; and finally, over-zealous friendly black people, the easiest kind to talk to despite the fact that they’ll talk to you about work, sports, and their children.

The first one is easy to fight through. Just talk about how your boss is a douche bag. Everyone’s boss is a douche bag. What’s that? Your boss is cool? Probably ‘cause you’re a douche bag too. Every co-worker on the planet is willing to discuss how much their boss sucks total scrotum.

The second one, a LITTLE harder to avoid if you don’t know anything about sports. However, the best way to shut them up is to say “I don’t actually watch sports”. They’ll look at you like you just stuck one of your fingers in their rectum, and then proceed to change to one of the other standbys. I’m also a big fan of talking about how much I love the Yankees. That makes any sports fan never talk to you again.

‘cause FUCK THE YANKEES.

Anyway, the third one is the hardest to get out of. It’s sorta like stopping pissing half way through. Once children story urine starts coming out of their tongue-bladders, it’s impossible to stop until they’ve documented every second of the child’s mundane and uninteresting life. At this point, you may need to pull the nearest fire alarm.

It’s Friday; now get out there and show us what you’ve got.

Gosh, darn it. Even with Bachmann, Ventura, and that disheveled, smelly guy who mumbles to himself every day on the 21, the Twin Cities don’t even come close to being ranked in the Top 10. Out of the 57 largest US metro areas, Minneapolis-St. Paul ranks #45.

Our perpetual nemesis, Portland, OR, ranks #17 (and their claim to fame is, apparently, a UFO museum but they rank higher than MSP on the eccentricity and drinking scales). Denver, CO, where it’s illegal to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor, ranks #16. The #1 city: Cincinnati, OH. San Francisco has the highest # of psychiatrists per capita; Milwaukee and Las Vegas are the #1 drinking metro areas (no surprise there); New Orleans is the #1 most-eccentric metro area (SUYT!)

Bring on the meat.

Hell’s Kitchen is hosting the the first annual National Jerky Competition on Monday, April 5, and has initiated a nationwide Call for Entries.

Pros as well as amateurs can enter, with a Grand Prize of $300 cash plus a chance for national recognition. Any type of homemade jerky is welcome, from traditional beef strips to Northwoods venison as well as outlandish varieties such as chocolate-dipped or peanut butter laced.

The entry deadline is a week from today — Thursday, March 25.

I’ll leave the meat jerking puns and jerky name-calling to you. Go at it.

According to MPR, Twin Cities firm Rear Window Media is looking to put full-color, illuminated ads on — that’s right — the rear windows of commuters’ vans, SUVs, and trucks.

Too distracting?

Pat Seger of Minneapolis seems to think so. She recently spotted one on 35W and was distracted by the changing sign.

“I found myself staring at the screen waiting to see what came up next. It was really distracting. I had to get into the other lane because I found myself kind of watching the car instead the traffic.”

Rear Window President Jessica Netter disagrees, of course.

“This is nothing more than a bumper sticker that is dynamic.”

And, theoretically, if you’re willing to put one on your vehicle, Rear Window Media will pay you for the gas you burn driving around.

So far, she has about 450 commuters signed up.

But for now, Netter has signs in only a dozen trucks, SUVs or vans.

Right now, she doesn’t know if the signs are legal. State law bans signs on the side and rear windows of cars but permits them on the windows of vans, SUVs and trucks, which are often used commercially. Even so, Netter’s signs raise questions because they’re illuminated.

“Whether we’re legal or illegal until those statutes are clarified we don’t want to put additional inventory into the street,” Netter said.

According to our local sex columnist, 1 in 6 Americans has Herpes, making it one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases.

Cripes, 1 in 6? Really?! Frightening indeed. And to top it off, 80 percent of those infected don’t even know they have it.

So, think of the last six people you’ve slept with and begin to wonder, people. Daaaaamn!

Of course, Alexis gives us the upside, too:

True. Herpes is quite common. Despite potentially making people with the virus more susceptible to HIV (though this has not 100 percent been proven), herpes is innocuous. So why do we treat it like leprosy? New medications like Valtrex and Zovirax make breakouts manageable and far less frequent.

Somehow that just doesn’t put my mind at rest. Nay, not at all.

Hands up if you’ve got Herpes. (hands down)

“If I ever get pregnant,” writes Emily, of Because Emily Says So, “I’m not going to tell anyone. At least not until after the baby turns 12 or so. If it means that I have to convince people I’ve gotten really, really fat or that muumuus are back in style, then so be it.”

Why? Because people act crazy around pregnant women.

They ask them wildly personal questions on a daily basis. They touch them without permission. And worst of all, they seem to think it’s a good idea to tell them horror stories about pregnancy, labor and delivery. At my office. Next to my cube.

Sure, we all know that this is a pretty exciting time for the expecting woman or couple, but why the tactless touching and horror stories? Got any of your own?

Since some of our (not so) fabulous MNSpeakers seem to think that this is nothing but a forum for personal attacks and grievances, I’m throwing the questions back at you this week — especially to those of you gloriously anonymous contributors. Enjoy.

Name:

Age:

Occupation:

Residence:

Years in the Twin Cities:

SEVEN QUICK QUESTIONS:

1. What place in town considers you a “regular”? Why?

2. Best place in town to get “in the mood”?

3. What are you doing on Saturday afternoon at 3 p.m.?

4. What’s the favorite place to sweat?

5. What are you listening to when you drive to work in the morning?

6. What is your favorite drink and where do you get it?

7. If you were to do a local remake of any movie, what movie would it be and what would it be called?

Bonus Question: What is the nicest thing you can say about any MNSpeaker?

(via Live Green Twin Cities)

According to a new survey by the Minnesota School Nutrition Association (MSNA) and the Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy (IATP), the number of Minnesota school districts purchasing food directly from local farms has more than doubled in the last 15 months.

The survey of Minnesota districts, which includes more than 550,000 K-12 kids, found that 69 districts reported purchasing Minnesota-grown products in 2009, more than double the figure from late 2008. And 77 percent of the districts now involved with farm to school initiatives expect to expand their activities in the upcoming school year, the survey found.

While this is all good news, we still have to question what it is we’re feeding our kids. How healthy is it? How good?

A couple weeks ago, Lee Zukor, founder of local-foods-focused website Simple Good and Tasty, went to his kid’s school to eat lunch, and subsequently wrote an open letter of apology to kids for the food they are served every day.

Many of you have noticed that the food you’re being served in your school cafeterias leaves much to be desired. You’ve told us that there are bugs in your food, and that nobody cares when you tell them. You’ve told us that the staff doesn’t give you time to eat. You’ve told us that school cafeteria food makes you feel sick at times, and that it doesn’t cure your hunger. You’ve told us that the food tastes like the plastic it’s been wrapped in, and that it’s just plain “rude,” bordering on inedible. It pains me to tell you this, but we know. We’ve known for a long time.

…

Your peers asked me if our nation loves our children. The answer is yes, we love you very much. But things have gotten away from us, again. The situation is complicated, there’s a lot of work to do, and we don’t have much money to do it. To affect change, we will need all of the great work being done by people like Michelle Obama, Chef Ann Cooper, by the person who writes Fed Up with School Lunch, and by organizations like The Lunchbox and the Healthy Schools Campaign. We will need to tell our government that you kids are our future, that you need to be fed good, nourishing, healthy, fresh food, and that our tax money should support it. And then we need to tell them again.

(via Strib)

The Minneapolis school board voted Tuesday to open Minnesota’s first school run by its teachers.

The French-immersion elementary school, targeted to open in 2011 in north Minneapolis, would be the state’s first “self-governed” school, an option approved by the Legislature last year in hopes of improving student achievement.

As a former teacher — having experienced the hindrances (to the students) of the administration’s bureaucratic red tape — this sounds like a beautifully ideal setup, in theory; but I can’t help but wonder how well it will play out. Thoughts? Pit holes? Just as we complain that people with great knowledge don’t necessarily make good teachers, and people with great experience don’t necessarily make good managers, are teachers necessarily equipped to run a school? Perhaps they are indeed. Perhaps not.