The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

^{The above photo is an altered version of "AZ in Action," taken by Sarah McGee.}

Mitch Omer, proprietor of Hell's Kitchen restaurants in Minneapolis and Duluth, responds to Andrew Zimmern's Perspective in the December issue of Mpls./St. Paul Magazine:

"That's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!" ~Popeye the Sailor

Some notes on a critic, his standards, and the obligations of the job:

What is the proper way for a restaurateur to critique a critic? As far as I can tell, there is no such manner. I can only hold back so much bile (the result of a gastric bypass, I'm sure), and I must regurgitate my feelings about a self-indulgent, self-obsessed, self-aggrandizing food writer; a former executive hack (but by his own admission, master chef). Master or not, his Café Un Deux Trois in Minneapolis, even though a clone of its mother ship in New York, won many "best of's" while open here.

However, it is with a nagging sense of professional obligation that I respond to Andrew Zimmern's journalistic treasure trove of anti-Minneapolis condescension. I suppose I should be filled with a sense of self-preservation. As it is, I am filled with a sense of outrage, and I finally gave into it.

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy; we risk very little, yet enjoy a position of those who offer up their work and themselves to our judgement. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designates itself." ~Anton Ego, food critic in the movie Ratatouille

God forbid, a restaurateur would actually take aim at a critic; this would be suicide. This is a tight community, and none would say a disparaging word about another. He, however, writes as if above reproach, and I am here to tell him that he is not. At Mpls/St.Paul magazine, no pretense is made of keeping him in check...and, Mpls/St.Paul, just how does he rate a spread about celebrity homes, and the only picture we see is of him and his family on a couch? Must be one helluva house.

But I digress. His orations involve an immense waste of time. But, like slowing down to look at a morbid and horrifying accident, I read his column every month. His gastronomic fatalism sorely tries the patience of every chef and restaurateur in Minneapolis. He is inaccurate and tremendously negative; a perfect tabloid weapon. But, Andrew, you have been playing without an opponent, and I must say, it's my turn at bat.

A cook does not a critic make, yet A.Z. is a self-professed Alpha Male of food writing; one need only go back just a few issues for examples of how he dismisses the sophistication of Twin Cities residents, making us look as if we never travel outside state lines, never try anything except meat and potatoes, don't know a damn thing about unusual ingredients, don't support innovative restaurants, aren't willing to pay for good food, and are in desperate need of a god-like food writer to tell us not only how stupid we are, but also what to think from A to Z:

"My high profile can distort minor aspects of my dining experiences, but I'd argue that what I bring to the table in expertise and experience more than makes up for it." ~Andrew Zimmern, Mpls/St.Paul, May, 2007

Why don't you let someone, other than yourself, make that decision. And how dare you put yourself above more seasoned food writers like Jeremy Iggers, Ann Bauer, Kathy Jenkins, Peter Lilienthal, Dara Moskowitz, Rick Nelson, Lynne Rosetto Kasper, and let's not forget the late Pam Sherman. There is no objectivity here, only platitude prescriptions for whatever ails you each month. Take a booster shot of your own medicine, dude, you'll feel better in a day or so.

"The transcendent restaurant must hit the Trifecta: It must be good, original, AND successful." ~ Andrew Zimmern, Mpls/St.Paul, Dec 2007

Lemme see. You all but got down on your knees and sucked the gastronomic dick of Aquavit, "...goat cheese parfait with blueberry sorbet and passion fruit curd. Wow!" Lotta guys from Anoka going to order that malady. And then, when they had to fold up operations because they were months behind in rent, owing purveyors, and not paying staff, you denigrated the city for not being supportive of such a grandiose, transcendent restaurant. Two out of three ain't bad I suppose, even if they didn't meet your criteria for the Trifecta. Bifecta? I think not. Stupid fucking elitist? I think so. Monofecta...

"We thrive on negative journalism, which is fun to write and to read." ~Anton Ego, from the movie, Ratatouille

A.Z. bludgeons local eateries with a blunt instrument: his pen, the journalistic equivalent of keying a car. From his "Perspective" column, he writes:

"Frank Brini's brutal review of Harry Cipriani on Fifth Avenue (NYC), is proof positive of how fun it is to wield a poison pen...awesome." ~Andrew Zimmern, Mpls/St.Paul, Nov 2007

This is only a small tribunal of scorned restaurants, and I quote:

"Most of this year's crops are conundrums wrapped in half-baked concepts. Crave is a fancified Green Mill and not as good, Picosa is missing identity, Bank under whelms, and Amazing Thai fails to rumble me. Black Bamboo, Café Ena, Harry's, Fogo de Chao, Spill the Wine, Café Maude, Wasabi, Bulldog NE, Bagu, Toast, Manhattan's, and Landmarc all fail to rouse me from my desk. Need I continue?...I will not fall into the trap of some of my peers who canonize such places on the basis of pedigree." ~Andrew Zimmern, Mpls/St.Paul, Dec 2007

Should we canonize YOU on the basis of pedigree? Could YOU stand up to such biased observation? Let's see. Most of this year's observations are a conundrum wrapped in half-baked journalistic concepts.

Just for fun today, I went to his Chow and Again blog, where he lambasts a press release announcing a new menu at a gentleman's club. Yes, a ‘Gentleman's Club'; expensive drinks and powdered tits for the expense account crowd. Press releases being, by their very nature, a marketing tool, this one seemed fairly straightforward, explaining the new menu that would start January 1: "Dinner selections will include a 42-oz. USDA prime Porterhouse, kobe beef hot dogs, colossal shrimp...etc. All affordably priced. The kitchen will use the freshest ingredients and...try to appeal to a larger guest base."

But Zimmern finds he must tear apart even a simple press release:

"Holy crap! Does someone actually get paid to write that junk? Is that the best point of difference the owners can come up with? Oy vey." ~Andrew Zimmern, ChowAndAgain.com

Oy-fucking-vey yourself! Please, allow me to ‘tell it like it is'. You are pre-disposed here to a negative review of the club's offerings, even though you, by your own admission, have not dined at the restaurant. "Holy crap!" I say. "Does someone actually pay you to write this junk? Is that the best point of difference you can come up with?" I doubt it.

Now, I'm anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive and manic-depressive, (and, probably a few more hyphenated maladies), so researching this shit is right up my alley. I just couldn't resist. Further down on this self-absorbed blog, I found one of his little secrets...asking his blog readers for their input, since he was too busy to attend some events. (Don't believe me? I quote Zimmern himself, "Any great pull quotes you heard from the recent Anthony Bordain visit to Minneapolis? I was in NYC doing the Today Show, so I couldn't attend.") Hey MSP editors, who ya paying?"

But then it got good...I found out I'm not alone! I discovered a website called "Chowhound" that was upset at Zimmern for snagging their moniker. Readers were almost unanimous in their, um, "reservations" about our local-boy-made-big-TV-foodstar really being a poseur. A few of their comments:

"...has anyone else noticed that he never touches the food with his lips? He always sort of cowboys up and puts it on his tongue or throws it into his mouth. Which is not only gross to watch; this is clear body language saying that he doesn't want to eat the things he's eating on his show. So watching him do that for a half hour while he goes '...mmmm...' unconvincingly makes me think he's a big fat liar when he says he loves food. I am not buying."

"... he never enjoys the food or even acts like he's eating it for real. He puts it in his mouth much like someone who doesn't want to. Ever seen Bourdain eat anything like that? No. The man eats it, chews it, tastes it. Anyways. I guess the Discovery channel execs like it - so it's on the air. But like Bourdain says, ‘I give him one season tops.' "

Where does this cat come from, and just what do the execs see in him? Lack of good journalism leaves a hole in his articles and food blog. If you swallow any of this offal, do not induce vomiting. Take two Bauers immediately, and read Jeremy Iggers in the morning. Andrew, in his Andrew way, has razed restaurants chef by chef. Some owners survive, but nothing major on the scene is older than Solera.

"If we can't recommend a restaurant, we don't write about it, so a long-term absence from our pages does imply something." ~Andrew Zimmern, Mpls/StPaul, May, 2007

How fucking dare you! Long term absence from your pages tells us only that your Id-ridden alimentary tract is represented as detritus, and has nothing to do with objective journalism. A.Z.'s standard take-out order is two negative reviews, an anti-Minneapolis with cheese, and a small perspective to go. Can I super-size that for you?

"For years, I have wondered why someone who criticizes a restaurant for being ordinary or derivative is derided by fellow Minnesotans for being unsupportive of our restaurant community. I think when we ‘call ‘em as we see ‘em', we are holding the restaurant community to a higher standard." ~ Andrew Zimmern, Mpls/St.Paul, Dec 2007

For years, I have wondered why someone who criticizes a restaurant critic for being ordinary or derivative is told to simply shut the fuck up...or suffer the consequences. When I "call ‘em as I see ‘em", I am holding the critical community to a higher standard. He is too smug, too pseudo-objective, and wouldn't stand up to any reciprocal reviews. He has yet to capture the gestalt, the big picture, of food service in Minneapolis.

"...lying to ourselves when we're merely marking time serves no productive end, least of all towards bettering our future food experiences." ~Andrew Zimmern, Mpls/St.Paul, Dec 2007

You seem to lack a fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. If, as they say, we are what we eat, well, crow is my second choice for you here... From his blog recently about appearing on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, he writes:

"There is only so much personal grand-standing one can dole out, even on a blog, where blowing your own horn is ‘de rigueur,' par for the course, and standard operating procedure..." ~Andrew Zimmern, Nov 15, 2007

Yeah, well, blow this horn! Personally, I am over-Zimmerned and under-whelmed. He seems possessed with his own ego, and I say, "Ban thee Satan from this body, and exorcise the evil within." As for me, I'll get down on my knees and pray to St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes. Such is my fate. The fallout from this diatribe could be catastrophic, given his "high profile" of magazine columns, blogs, television show appearances, et al. I wish he'd leave the writing to better journalists, and continue to roam the globe eating bugs on the Travel channel.

This article pretty well eliminates the possibility of any positive reviews I may ever get, but, like that second piece of pie at Thanksgiving, which you are already too full to eat, you go ahead, and suffer the consequences later. Such is my plight. I've never had the ability, or maturity, to qualm my passions, good or bad. I'll have to suffer the fallout from this diatribe. So be it, there's always another slice of pie...

Warmest personal regards,
Mitch Omer

For the record, neither Zimmern nor Mpls/St. Paul Magazine has ever critiqued my restaurant because of a policy to only review establishments that offer dinner service, which my restaurant does not. As a result of this policy, there has never been anything written, negative or otherwise, that might personally taint my opinion of Andrew Zimmern.