The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

Today marks the beginning of a new dark age for Minnesota. It is a time of injustice. A time in which brother turns on brother and LOLcats replace poetry and prose as the high art of the day.  Should the scales not be balanced in short order, the post-industrial wasteland depicted in the upcoming remake of Death Race may replace our bucolic Midwestern paradise.
 

I speak, of course, of the pending cuts to the state's public safety budget that took effect today. To make the fuzzy math of state government budgets work, nearly $5 million was trimmed from the district courts and public defense board. When you're looking at the looming specter of a $1 billion deficit, this seems like peanuts. A torrid night with Tara Reid would cost more, and at first glance, the long term ramifications seem far more dire. However, these cuts translate into a nightmarish reality that is far more frightening than even the desiccated visage of Cyndi Brucato, who, like Lord Voldemort, must feed nightly on the blood of unicorns and virgins to maintain her horrific unlife.

I speak, of course, of the already overworked and understaffed courts. The average public defender currently operates under a caseload of between 70 and 130 cases. The budget cuts that went into effect today bring with them a reduction of 72 more positions - all attorneys. These cuts come as a combination of attrition and layoffs, some of which have already happened. And increasing the caseload further does not bode well for Minnesota's justice system.

Of course, the average Minnesotan might not believe these cuts will have any effect on their life. Content to continue on in their prosaic daily routine, these citizens are blithely unaware of the danger this situation poses. Most law-abiding people assume that, as long as they violate no statutes laid down by the duly elected authorities and follow the directions of the friendly Taser-wielding officers of the law, the pending failure of our courts of law will have no bearing on them. They are sadly mistaken.

Not only will court dates take significantly longer to come by, since public defenders' will be stretched to their limits, but the quality of representation will likely fall almost as fast as Verne Troyer's romantic appeal upon his "partner's" comment that he's "...hung like a 2'8" man". And because the accused will have less than ideal representation, many offenders who are actually guilty of the crimes they're accused of will walk free on appeal, or as a result of mistrials, or any other of a multitude of procedural problems. To say nothing of the ongoing pain of victims' just looking for justice and closure.

The ongoing need for closure, increased rate of convictions overturned on appeal and longer wait for criminals to go behind bars as their day in court gets pushed farther and farther out will create a culture of lawlessness. Vigilante bands desperate for justice will roam the mean streets of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. The recent trend toward smaller, more fuel efficient cars will suddenly be reversed as bulletproof glass, steel plate and 30 millimeter chainguns become the automotive accessories of choice. The highways will be battlefields as commuters jockey for position, desperate to make it to secured parking lots before scavengers claim their vehicles for scrap.

On the other hand, many will save ridiculous amounts of money by telecommuting - thus conserving gas and ammunition for weekly supply runs to Walmart.