Secrets Blog

The White Man: Catching Up

Thank goodness for sex, drugs, and meth labs! Due to a Republican-enforced war on all things bad, there has been a major influx of rural-dwelling white male prisoners, making them the highest percentage (58.5%) of the MN inmate population — starting to reflect our actual state population (where seven of eight of us are white). How about that, who would’ve thought rural conservatives would do something illegal? My hunch says this is only the beginning.

The All Right Kids Are All Right

Since I was very much not one of these kids, I found this list of high school valedictorians strangely compelling. (Related: Laura Billings piggybacks a recent New Yorker article on high school grade-gunners and the school admins who don’t want to reward them anymore.) What is the appeal of this list? The dippy quotes? The large numbers of women and minorities? Regret? Self-hate? Or just plain-old voyeurism?

Best Car Chase Ever

Is this everyone’s favorite car chase story? First, the guy drives off with a silver BMW after “implying” that he has a gun (“Well, I’m not saying I don’t have gun,” perhaps?). Later, he loads up on Oxycontin. Finally, when chased by the police, his pulse no doubt racing with the combined adrenaline of defiance and pills, he continues to signal his turns. Minus points for pinning arresting officer with car door, but extra bonus points for extremely dry observation by Lt. Jeff Rugel: “Frankly, when you do a carjacking and robbery, it’s not one we can just let go.” We officially score this a 95 out of 100.

The Schmidt Has Hit The Fan

Have you heard of Pagoda, the $4 million salon/spa in Uptown? Don’t worry if you haven’t, it was only open for seven months. Founders Tom Schmidt and Jeff Lillemoe were recently ordered to pay up on a $1.1 million lawsuit for this failed concept. Following the judgement their existing salons all changed ownership: Downtown Schmidty’s = Premier Salon, Uptown Schmidty’s = Tommy’s on Lake, and their Urban Retreat Salon/Spa = 1609. To top it off Schmidt and Lillemoe filed for bankrupcy. Seems these rumored-to-be overly confident hair moguls are up Schmidt creek with out a paddle.

Writing Under the Influence

Few have the courage to stand up to the politically correct thought police, and their crazy notions of sober driving. Now, Jim Walsh courageously takes a rare pro-drunk-driving stance in his City Pages column, which mentions Har Mar Superstar’s song “DUI.” Note to MADD: no need to bomb CP with indignant emails — whether due to copy-editing error or pure drunkeness, Walsh perhaps meant to praise Har Mar for representing drunk dialers, and there’s still no shame in that.